I AM KROGAN! And I am in love with a Quarian?
by Biotic God
Summary: This story focuses on Grunt, our lovable teenage Krogan! Follow the adventures of Grunt as he grows up with the Normandy crew, and wraps his head around the concept that he is attracted to a Quarian! Contains adult situations and violence. Grunt X Tali
1. Not an Exhibitionist

Disclaimer: Mass Effect is property of Bioware.

Note: This story assumes you have played Mass Effect 2. Contains spoilers for Mass Effect 2.

Warning: This story will contain violent and sexual situations.

Introduction: The krogan have always fascinated me for a few reasons. First and foremost, they amuse me. I think they are the funniest species in the game, hands down. Secondly, I think there are a lot of parallels between Krogans and present-day humanity, believe it or not. I don't want to get into specifics, because I want to illustrate my thoughts through this story, but I think Bioware definitely intended for these parallels to be drawn. Thirdly, the possibilities are endless with Grunt as the main character, since he is basically a krogan teenager with no parental guidance. If Tuchanka had their own version of Jersey Shore, he would be on the show, guaranteed.

My plan is that this chapter will introduce Grunt. The next chapter will introduce Tali. And then chaos and mayhem will ensue. Anyway, I hope you enjoy!

START OF CHAPTER

The sun was beginning to rise far yonder, rosy red streaks unfurling from just beyond the horizon, their tendrils stretching outwards along the hazy skyline in a chaotic haphazard pattern. As the mighty sun rose and its luminescent presence strengthened, the sounds of battle dwindled, the volume dying further with each ended life. The echoes of gunshots ricocheted between the hillsides, accompanied by those shrill pathetic screams which only Turians could emit from their bleating mandibles. The lurid stench of burnt flesh and blood, smoking bullet shells, leaking vehicle fuel, and processed mineral ores. Such an intoxicating fragrance to the nose of Urdnot Grunt.

He looked up from the caved-in face of his latest victim, and there she was, standing on top of the hill. A dark and majestic silhouette against the background of the growing sun, with one arm raised high in victory and one foot buried inside a pile of unrecognizable body parts. She was his battle mistress, his goddess of war and victory. So statuesque, so elegant, so alluringly powerful.

He could not help but shiver in excitement as his eyes traced over her impeccable form, for this was truly beauty incarnate. Her heavily muscled legs, with thick tendons working visibly underneath her freshly scarred battle armor. Her powerful trunk of a torso formed a tantalizing arch as she leaned back to spread open her rippling arms, each of her three fingered hands tastefully painted with the berry blue of Turian blood.

He could not see her face in the shadows, but he could feel her gaze of admiration upon him, her well-endowed hump turned unmistakably towards the dauntless warrior below. He could just make out her head crest in the early dawn, and it was so beautiful, so perfect. A perfectly symmetrical wedge of lustrously thick plating, and the color was a lovely chestnut brown, just the right hue indicative of both youth and maturity.

He still could not see her eyes or face, but he was sure that she was beautiful. Her eyes would be perfectly wide-set and symmetrical, her neck's hide was surely a fair unblemished ivory, and her voice...

She beckoned with a gruff growl: "Come to me, Urdnot Grunt."

Her voice was the song of the battle angels themselves, as he knew it would be. He began to trudge up the hill, clutching and fidgeting nervously with his assault rifle. His skull pounding in excitement, his two hearts thundering within his chest. He was helplessly erect now inside his armor, and he shifted his hips around in vain, struggling to relieve the awkward angle and pressure at which his length was pressed against his belly.

One of those scrawny Turians at Grunt's feet, still clinging to his life. He was feebly scrabbling for his holstered pistol like vermin would scratch at a cloth bag of grain. His shattered jaw whispered, "Must... calibrate... weapons..."

Grunt stomped on the Turian's neck, ending the life swiftly, abruptly. Such a merciful death was undeserved for a bringer of the genophage, but Grunt had other things on his mind. As did his battle mistress, his action prompting her to catch her breath in arousal.

He was soon on a knee before her, as she proclaimed, "You fought with the strength and fury of a dozen men today, Urdnot Grunt, and your masterful hands slew more of the accursed enemy than any other, even mine. This victory and its glory, more than anyone else, belongs to you."

"Battle mistress," He bowed his head. "I, Urdnot Grunt, am deeply honored that you recognize my strength!" Damn it, his penile discomfort was getting out of hand. His erection was now snaked around and pressed against the side of his hip? How the hell!

With his head bowed, he still could not see her face, but he could hear her smile. "Urdnot Grunt, is there something you wish to ask?"

Aw, fuck it. Might as well cut to the chase. He sprung to his feet, adjusting his waist armor as best he could. "Battle mistress! I... I would be honored to lay with you tonight! If you deem me worthy, I would gladly have you bear my child!"

She was definitely smiling in the shadows, as she opened her arms invitingly. And his hearts soared to the red sky as she whispered to him...

"Good morning, Urdnot Grunt. This is a reminder that you have an appointment with Yeoman Chambers in one hour."

"Huh?" Grunt cracked open an eye, as a bubble of snot formed over one of his nostrils. "What?"

EDI's voice helpfully repeated from somewhere above his head: "Good morning, Urdnot Grunt. This is a reminder that you have an appointment with Yeoman Chambers in one hour."

"One hour... what... what?" Grunt's eyes flew open, and he stared up at the cargo hold's paneled metal ceiling above him. He was not on the rocky world of Canrum, the site of the great Krogan Rebellion battle between Warlord Shiagur and the Turians. He was not on a hilltop of bloodied stones and corpses. And he was definitely not with a battle mistress of peerless beauty.

He was on the Normandy SR-2 and in its cargo hold. Lying naked on his back on top of two human-sized mattresses laid end to end. His arms and legs hanging over the edges and onto the floor. The hide of his neck was lathered with sweat (krogan sweat glands were almost all exclusively located around their neck). And he had a raging erection which had somehow gotten itself stuck between himself and his bedding.

He sat up, and the snot bubble silently popped as he yelled, "It was a dream? A dream! Damn it, bring her back!"

"Please clarify who you wish to bring back, Urdnot Grunt."

"Stupid machine! Mind your own business!" Grunt growled impatiently as he lifted his ass off the bed so he could yank his ding-a-ling free. He grabbed himself by the shaft, and he shouted at his unruly organ: "Stupid thing! Why do you have to be so hard all the damn time!"

His ding-a-ling had nothing to say, of course, and Grunt sighed as he let it go. This ding-a-ling problem was getting out of control. Just one week ago, no troubles whatsoever. It just stayed inside its little pocket and minded its own business, coming out only when he had to go wee wee. But now, for the past two days?

Every freaking morning. Hard.

Every early afternoon. Hard.

Every early evening. Hard.

"This is intolerable!" Grunt tried to shove himself back into its little hidey hole, but it was not pliable by any means, and it refused to go back in.

"Urdnot Grunt?"

"What do you want?"

"Please note that you have an appointment with Yeoman Chambers in fifty eight minutes."

"Fine, whatever!" He waved away the intangible presence of EDI with a dismissive hand. "I'll be there!"

"Thank you, Urdnot Grunt. Have a good day."

"Up yours." Grunt got up to his feet, shaking his head free of the morning cobwebs. His erection was now sticking out straight ahead, stubborn and defiant.

"Whatever. Fuck it." Grunt scratched his belly as he headed for the exit of the cargo hold. It was shower time.

* * *

A thick Irish male accent: "I gotta admit, Gabby, at first I didn't like it when Shepard told us that we'd be takin' orders from a Quarian from now on. But now that we've met her, I think she's all right."

A sassy American female accent: "Well, she definitely seems nice and reasonable enough. Just curious, though, Ken, do you remember anything she said?"

"Of course I remember! I was paying close attention to her!"

"Ok, then, what did she ask us to do with the T6-FBA couplings we installed last month?"

"I, uh... she asked us to... I think I was distracted by an itch on my leg when she mentioned the couplings."

"Itch on your leg, my ass! I knew it! You were paying more attention to her boobs than to her words, you chauvinistic pig!"

Kenneth Donnelly and Gabriella Daniels, the constantly arguing yet inseparable engineers who earned their living in the Normandy's engine room, forever tweaking and optimizing the ship's nuts and bolts. They were walking towards the elevator, having just finished their first meeting with Commander Shepard's latest recruit, a supposedly prodigious Quarian engineer named Tali Zora, and they were now about to go get their morning cup of coffee.

Ken, the easygoing redhead, was flabbergasted. "I'm offended you'd suggest such a thing, Gabby! I take my superiors very seriously, male and female! Especially when they have such nice and well-rounded, ah, resumes."

Gabriella, a spunky brunette who kept a virtual leash on Ken at all times: "Oh please, it was so obvious you were checking her out. Would it have killed you to make eye contact with her at least once?"

"But she's wearin' a mask, Gabby! I canna make eye contact when I canna see the eyes!"

"Oh whatever. Next time we see her, though, you better treat her with respect."

"I'll treat her with respect, sure. But if she likes me, I have no choice but to treat her to a lunch or two, you know."

"Right, that'll be the day." Gabby snorted as they stopped in front of the elevator and she pushed the button. "Although, now that I think about it, how do Quarians eat with their masks on?"

"Huh!" Ken paused to think about it also. "I've noticed that their helmets all have similarly shaped outlets at the mouth area. Perhaps they have some sort of standardized feedin' tube which interfaces with their helmet."

"Hmm, that would make sense. I've heard of Quarian paste before, and although I'm not sure what it is, perhaps that paste is what they eat?"

Gabby heard familiar heavy Krogan footsteps behind her, and she turned her head to see Grunt coming to a stop beside her and Ken. "Good morning, Grunt."

Grunt nodded. "Daniels. Donnelly."

"Aye, morning to you, Grunt."

The Krogan was naked, but the human engineers didn't mind. The crew of the Normandy had gotten used to Grunt walking around in the nude all the time. They weren't exactly sure why he liked to walk around in his birthday suit; his explanation had been vague, something about Krogans needing to embrace their natural state and avoid too much reliance on their armor and weaponry. But either way, it didn't really matter so long as his ding-a-ling stayed out of sight. To the average human, a krogan in the nude was basically just a gigantic armored toad standing on two feet, nothing else.

Gabby turned to ask Grunt, "So, how did you sleep last night woooooooo oh my god!"

The poor woman practically hollered at the sight of Grunt's enormous ding-a-ling, as its tip nearly grazed the panel of buttons which her hand had just touched. She wanted to back away slowly, but she couldn't; she was paralyzed with both shock and something akin to terror.

"Gabby, what the hell was that waaaooh Jesus Christ, Grunt!" Ken shielded his face with his arms, as if Grunt might accidentally poke out his eye with that thing. "Grunt, what are you... what are you doin'?"

The krogan gave Ken a strange look. "I am waiting for the elevator. What does it look like I'm doing?"

"No! I mean, down there! What's goin' on down there!"

"Oh, this." Grunt looked down and flicked the base of his shaft, drawing a stifled gurgle from Gabby. "I don't know what's going on with this thing. For the past two days, it's just been getting randomly hard and long. It's pretty annoying, actually; sometimes, it gets in my way and stuff."

Gabby managed to croak, "Have you... have you seen the doctor about this, Grunt?"

He shrugged. "Nah. It doesn't hurt or anything, so I'm not really concerned right now. If I start feeling pain, though, I will definitely ask Dr. Chakwas to take a look at it."

Ken stammered, "To be honest, Grunt, I think you should see Mordin about your little, err, your big problem there. Chakwas, um, she might not be the right person to, um, handle that."

"Mordin? The Salarian? Fuck Salarians. I don't trust those bug eyed pipsqueaks." Grunt grumbled as he smashed his fists together, causing his ding-a-ling to waver before Gabby's bulging eyes. "He'll probably inject me with a brand new genophage or some other insidious manufactured disease."

The elevator dinged and opened its doors. Grunt walked in. The human engineers stayed behind.

Grunt reached out to hold the doors open for them. He had recently learned from Shepard that this was a human custom. A show of respect to anyone who also wished to enter the elevator.

"You guys coming?"

"We, uh, we forgot to do something back at the engine core." Ken smiled weakly. "We have to go back."

Grunt could tell something was up, but whatever, he didn't care. This "small talk" thing, as humans called it, was highly overrated anyway. He just wanted to get to Deck 3, get into the men's bathroom, and take his shower. Bathing in clean filtered water on a regular basis was considered a luxury on Tuchanka, and he was going to take advantage of every little perk while he was on this ship.

"Sure." Grunt pulled away his hand and stepped back. "Catch you guys later."

Gabby was holding her hands over her eyes, but still peeking. Ken was staring straight ahead, trying hard not to look down. They both said, "Later, Grunt."

Everyone waited for the elevator doors to close, but for some odd reason, they were not closing. "What the." Grunt looked down and realized that his ding-a-ling was obstructing the doorway. "Oh." He clicked his tongue in disgust. "Stupid thing."

He stepped back further so that he was no longer triggering the doors' sensors. After a couple seconds, the doors beeped and slid shut on the pale faces of the engineering duo. Grunt shook his head, wondering why the humans had been so spooked. Freaking squishies. They were so weird.

"Ken?"

"Yes, Gabby?"

"I'm going to lie down for a while."

"I think I will, too. See you in half an hour?"

"Sure."

* * *

Grunt was now in the Normandy's restroom for men. A small and efficiently designed facility with two toilets, two urinals, and a relatively large communal shower. A wall of crewmen's lockers on one side. The walls, ceiling, and floor were made of an Asari waterproof alloy with superb resistance against rust and mildew, no water treatment required.

A young blonde man was already standing at one of the urinals, and Grunt settled down in the urinal next to him.

The man looked up briefly and smiled uncomfortably. "Hey, Grunt."

The krogan nodded back in greeting. "Hawthorne."

Grunt then let out a sigh, gave his hips a shake, and the sound of his trickling joined the sound of Hawthorne's trickling...

Grunt then craned his head to look over at Hawthorne's junk. Then he reverted back to looking straight ahead, as Hawthorne tried in vain to turn away without actually moving.

The krogan let out a single guffaw. "Hah! I win!"

* * *

Grunt was now in the shower, humming an Urdnot battle chant as he scrubbed himself down thoroughly. Shepard had told him that humans liked to hum or sing in the shower, and that Grunt would fit in easier if he did the same thing. Not that Grunt particularly embraced human culture as something admirable, but if his battlemaster wanted him to hum in the shower, so be it. Besides, Grunt had to admit, he felt something oddly spiritual while humming fighting songs inside a hot steaming cloud.

Crewman Rolston, a pleasant middle-aged sensor technician with a balding hairline, walked into the bathroom in sandals, beach shorts, and a towel over his shoulder. He briefly waved to the showering krogan. "Hey there, Grunt."

A brief nod to the human. "Rolston."

Rolston started whistling as he headed over to his locker. "Whoops!" He was surprised to find his locker door already open. That's odd, he wondered to himself. Did he leave it open from yesterday?

He then realized that his bottle of body wash was no longer in his locker. Instead, the bottle was sitting inside Grunt's hands, and the krogan was generously squirting its contents all over his plated body.

"Ah, Grunt?"

The krogan stopped for a moment, and stared at Rolston. "Yeah?"

"I couldn't help but notice that you, uh, found some body wash to use."

"Yeah, I found it in one of those metal boxes over there. It smelled pretty good, so I thought I might try it out."

"Yes, well, you see -"

The bottle exploded inside the krogan's grip, the remnants of its contents flying everywhere in the room. A few of the wayward droplets landed on Rolston's shiny mist-laced forehead.

"Whoops!" Grunt was sincerely surprised by the soap-based pyrotechnics, as he held the mangled bottle up to one of his eyes for inspection. "Hmm, this container was flimsier than I expected it to be." He lowered the bottle and looked back at Rolston. "What did you want to say?"

Rolston took note of the pieces of crumbled plastic inside Grunt's hands. Then the human smiled wanly, as he started crying on the inside. "Ah, it's nothing. I was just going to say, the body wash does smell pretty nice."

"Oh, yeah! Smells terrific!" Grunt nodded enthusiastically as he poured the last drippings of the body wash into his mouth. He gargled for a few seconds, swished it around his cheeks, then spat everything out. "Tastes pretty damn good, too." He offered the broken bottle to Rolston. "You want to try?"

Rolston was fighting back real tears now. "I'm good... thanks for asking..."

"No problem." Grunt tossed aside the bottle and stepped out of the shower area, the water automatically shutting off upon his departure. He started humming again, for he was in good spirits. His ding-a-ling was behaving now, no longer erect and no longer a concern. His body smelled good. His breath smelled good. He was getting along with his squishy battle kin. What more could a krogan ask for?

The soaking wet Grunt strolled past Rolston to the lockers, and he started opening up doors. The krogan was searching for something...

"Ah ha!" Grunt pulled out a towel from one of the opened lockers. "Look, now I have found a towel!" He shot the equivalent of a Krogan grin at Rolston. "Must be my lucky day, huh?"

"Yeah. Must be."

Grunt continued humming, as he headed for the exit, wiping himself down. Nodding in farewell. "Rolston."

The human limply waved goodbye, as he watched the krogan walk out with the towel and head for the mess hall.

* * *

Thirty seven minutes later, Grunt was sitting inside Kelly Chambers' quarters, a small, tidy, and ergonomic room that doubled as her counseling office. Sitting across from him was Kelly Chambers herself with a digi-pad in her hands, the perky redheaded human female who interviewed every crew member once a week to evaluate their mental health. This meeting was an exception, though. Kelly had requested that he meet with her earlier this week, and Grunt wasn't sure why. Guess he was about to be find out, he said to himself.

"Good morning, Grunt." Kelly smiled warmly as she reached out to pat him on the knee. "How are you doing today?"

He nodded. "Shaman." Although she was officially a yeoman and unofficially a counselor, Grunt always called her shaman, his reasoning being that she was the spiritual guide of the Normandy crew. Which wasn't altogether untrue, really.

He shifted in his chair with an air of irritation, and she picked up on it immediately. "Grunt, just curious, do you have to be someplace else after this meeting?"

"Well, not really, but..." The krogan scowled unconsciously as he shifted again in his chair. "I always spend my Tuesdays doing strength training. Not a big fan of this talking stuff. When we talk, it reminds me of the tank and how much it talked to me."

"Grunt, I understand that you want to keep yourself in top physical condition, but your mental health is just as important as your physical health. Believe me, these talks are helping you a great deal."

"If you say so." He lifted one of his hands and started to examine his claws. "What do you want to talk about today, then?"

"Actually, I called for this meeting because I've been receiving a few complaints from your fellow crew members recently."

"Complaints?" Grunt stopped studying his claws, and his shoulders hunched forwards, body coiling into a snarl. "Who has a problem with me? Who?"

The krogan's voice had lowered into a threatening rumble, and Kelly nervously laughed as she hastily said, "No, Grunt, don't misunderstand! The people here have no problem with you yourself! It's just that, you've been doing certain things lately which are not customary on a human star ship, and people have mentioned them to me."

"Oh. I see. Human customs." Grunt visibly relaxed, as did Kelly. "Well, that is strange. No one has mentioned anything to me recently."

"Well, Grunt, please understand, some people do find you to be intimidating. Hence their reluctance to express any misgivings towards you."

"If they are afraid of me, then they are cowards. Cowards who are not worthy of respect."

Kelly sighed. "You know what, Grunt? Let's do this. I will tell you what you have been doing lately that is considered strange to humans. Then afterward, we can determine if you want to stop doing those things. Is that okay?"

"Well, it still sounds like a bunch of people have a problem with me." He snorted. "Whatever. Tell me what you have to say."

"Thank you, Grunt. Well, first off..." She looked down at the list on her digi-pad, and her face reddened a tad. "People have been telling me that on occasion, they have found you walking around with a, um... an, um... an erection?" She winced as the word finally rolled out of her mouth. "Is that true?"

"Oh, about that." Grunt nodded in understanding now as he patted his crotch, where his ding-a-ling was currently hiding in its hidey-hole. "For the past couple days, my penis has been experiencing extended periods of localized muscle stiffness, and I have to admit, I am baffled as to the cause. I have not suffered any recent injury in that area, and there is no real pain or discomfort." The krogan threw his hands up in the air. "Right now, I believe it is merely muscle spasms of some sort. It will probably come to pass, I am not really concerned."

Kelly sat there in disbelief, wondering if, somehow, this was all a giant practical joke on her. Then she slowly asked: "Grunt, please do not take offense to this question, but... do you know what your penis is for?"

The krogan started to laugh. Hard. As in, laughing-while-holding-his-belly hard. He was laughing so hard, as a matter of fact, that tears would have started coming out of his eyes if krogans had tear ducts.

"Ahahahaha, shaman! Of course I know what it is for! You are very funny for a human, ahahahahahaha!"

She started laughing too. Mostly out of nervousness, afraid that he might get mad if she didn't laugh along with him. "Ahahaha, Grunt, I'm sorry, but, ahahaha, could you please, um, tell me what your penis does?"

Grunt managed to gather himself and stop laughing, but he was still chortling as he answered, "It is for urination, of course!"

Kelly nodded in agreement. "Yes, that is true, Grunt." She waited. "And?"

Grunt stopped smiling his equivalent of a Krogan smile. "And? And what?"

"And..." She gestured with her hands, wanting more. "You know..."

He crooked an eye at her in confusion, then suddenly realized what she meant. "Oh yes. How could I forget. Your penis size can also be displayed as a sign of dominance over another male who possesses a lesser penis. I have noticed that when I meet other men in the bathroom, they always assume a posture of submissiveness when they see my penis."

"Well, I suppose that is another purpose of the penis." Her face was aflame due to the topic at hand, but she stayed professional, as she gently encouraged him further. "Is there anything else you can think of, Grunt?"

"Hmm." The krogan closed his eyes, and he tapped into the vast wealth of knowledge which his creator, the maniacal Warlord Okeer, had imprinted into his brain during his time in the tank. Thousands upon thousands of various hand-to-hand combat techniques used by the Krogan, the Turians, the Salarians, the Asari, the humans, the Batarians, the Elcor, the Drell... thousands upon thousands of schematics and specifications of various weaponry wielded by the Krogan, the Turians, the Salarians, etc etc... battlefield layouts. Optimal firing lanes. Ideal ambush locations. Implications of weather on fighting conditions. The smells and tastes of nearly three thousand poisons...

But he could not think of anything even remotely related to his penis. Other than a warning to look out for a human combat tactic called "a swift kick to the quad".

He opened his eyes. "I can not think of anything else, shaman."

Kelly was trying really hard not to giggle. Awww, this was so cute! Apparently, this krogan boy had not yet had "that talk" with anyone. This hulking krogan was still mentally a juvenile, after all. Someone would have to explain to him what adults liked to do in their spare time.

Her face was still, but he could tell that she was amused by his lack of knowledge about his penis, which irked him immensely. Damn, he hated know-it-alls like this red-crested squishy.

"Grunt, let me ask you another question. Have you been thinking about female krogan lately?"

His irritation gave way to surprise. "I have been dreaming about one in my sleep for the past two nights. How did you know?"

"Oh, just a hunch." Kelly sat back in her chair, as she typed away on her digi-pad. "What did you think of her?"

His voice turned dreamy. "She was so beautiful. She was so strong. So brutal. She killed so many turians..."

"Did you communicate with this female krogan in your dreams?"

"Yes, we did talk to each other." Grunt's face somehow became peaceful, as he drifted away to a better place. "She always compliments me on my fighting prowess, and then I ask her if she would bear my children, and then she says, yes, she will bear my children..."

Kelly probed further. "Do you then engage in sexual intercourse with her?"

"Well, I want to, but then the dream always ends before I can lie down with her. And then... wait. I just had a thought." The krogan blinked. "I just realized that I do not know how to make children with her."

"Grunt, I think your body does know. It's been telling you for the past two days."

"It has? Wait, I... I understand. My penis." Grunt jumped out of his chair at this revelation. "My penis! It is the key to making children with female krogan, isn't it!"

"Yes, it is, Grunt." Kelly was immensely relieved now as she typed her professional opinion into the digi-pad's report. So, Grunt was not some exhibitionist sexual deviant, as she had feared; he was merely a child who was unfamiliar with the methods of reproduction and the impropriety of exposed genitalia. All he needed was a few pointers, and he would be all right.

"Shaman." The krogan was pulling out his ding-a-ling now. "Could you please show me how I make children with my penis?"

"I will send you some educational videos, and you can watch them when you waaaaaaaaaant oh my, Grunt!" She whooped as she finally looked up to see the krogan holding himself in his hands. "Grunt! What are you doing!"

"I was hoping you could show me how to make children?"

Her face turned redder than her hair, as she tried to not look at his imposing ding-a-ling. "Grunt, please, put it away! Watch the videos, the videos will show you everything you need to know!"

"Oh. Okay." Grunt stuffed his ding-a-ling back into its hidey-hole. "It is strange, shaman. Daniels reacts the exact same way as you do when I have my penis out."

Kelly was hardly surprised to hear that, as she tried to compose herself as best she could. "Grunt, please sit down and listen very carefully to what I have to say." He obliged, and she said, "Grunt, while you are on this ship, you will need to start wearing clothes from now on."

The krogan was confused. "Why would I need to wear armor on the ship? Are we expecting an attack soon on this ship?"

"No, that is not the reason why." Kelly's body temperature and facial color was almost normal now. "Grunt, many alien societies - including yours, I'm sure - consider sexual intercourse to be a very private and intimate act between a male and a female. Sexual intercourse is not something which those two people should openly share with others."

Grunt was starting to understand what she was driving at. "So, when I show my penis to you and Daniels... you interpret it as a sign that I want to lie down with you?"

Her body temperature and facial color skyrocketed once again. "Yes, Grunt, when you display your genitalia to a female, it can be mistaken as a, um, a sign of... courtship?"

"Ahahahaha!" The krogan was laughing hard again, doubling over in his chair. "Shaman, you are truly the most hilarious of my battle kin! Aharharhar!"

She was a little confused. "What do you find so amusing?"

"Look, shaman, nothing against you or Daniels, but you two are ugly. Hideous. Repulsive. No krogan would ever want to lay with you."

Kelly momentarily lost herself, as she almost screeched, "What, me? Hideous?"

"Of course! Just look at you. Your eyes are too close to each other. Your head crest is nothing but a clump of flimsy red strands. Your legs are far too straight like a tree trunk. Your chest has those two grotesque tumor-like bumps. And your hands." He shuddered in revulsion. "Your hands are the worst."

Not sure why she felt so offended by a krogan calling her ugly, she looked down at her well-manicured hands. "What? What's wrong with my hands?"

"Too many fingers. With ten fingers and ten toes, it looks like you have squids for hands and feet."

"My hands are not squids!"

"Squids have ten legs, correct?'

"Well, yes, but -"

"Then you have squids for hands." Grunt crossed his arms with finality. Discussion was over.

"Well, whatever! Maybe I'm ugly by krogan standards, but by human standards, I'm pretty darn hot, if I say so myself!"

"Whatever. I don't care if the male squishies fall over each other while trying to lay with you."

Kelly huffed and puffed, but she managed to calm herself down. Okay, this Krogan boy was turning into a Krogan brat real fast. "Well, Grunt, regardless of whether I am ugly or not, you need to start wearing clothing on this ship. Could you please at least agree to that?"

"I still do not quite understand why my penis offends you human females. Are you not impressed by its size?"

She exclaimed with a half-lie: "Of course not!"

"Ah, I see. So human females have very high standards when it came to penis size."

"No, that's not what I meant." She was on the verge of pulling out her hair in frustration. "Please, Grunt, please just start wearing clothes. Your battlemaster Shepard would want you to wear clothes. Trust me on this."

"He would?" The krogan was not so sure about that. "He never said anything about it before."

"Well, that was before your... your thing started hanging out for everyone to see. Please, just ask Shepard. If he says you must wear clothes, will you do it?"

"But if a krogan becomes too dependent on his armor, he will lose touch with his natural gifts for fighting, for survival! He will become far too dependent on technology and end up like a Quarian, unable to defeat his own creations or even simple pathogens!"

"You only have to wear your armor when you are around other people. If you are alone in your room, you can take the armor off. Please, Grunt, this is the way of a human clan. As your spiritual guide, I am simply trying to advise you of our customs."

The krogan grumbled under his breath, but he nodded. "Very well, shaman. I will respect the customs of my battle kin while I am on this ship."

A flood of relief throughout Kelly Chambers, as she sagged inside her chair. "Thank you, Grunt. Thank you."

"So, what else did you wish to talk about?"

She really didn't have the energy for another ten minutes of this. "You know what? How about we stop here, and we can continue our discussion next week?"

"Great! More time for strength training." Grunt stood up and nodded to her in farewell. "Shaman."

END OF CHAPTER

* * *

Author's Note: As you can tell with this chapter, I am trying to explore what an alien child might experience while growing up in a human environment. Such a child would certainly not have a sense of human etiquette or propriety unless instructed, and I doubt Okeer imprinted anything other than krogan history and fighting techniques into Grunt's head. I also tried to convey how aliens might view humans in terms of sexual attractiveness, because let's face it, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. As for Grunt not knowing what his weewee does, well, I'm pretty sure none of us knew exactly how to make babies until we saw "instructional multimedia" or we had "that talk" with our mom or dad.

Please leave any feedback or thoughts if you have any. Thanks. :-)


	2. Pretty Legs

Disclaimer: Mass Effect is property of Bioware.

Note: This story assumes you have played Mass Effect 2. Contains spoilers for Mass Effect 2.

Warning: This story will contain violent and sexual situations.

Author's Note: The first chapter introduced Grunt! This chapter will introduce Tali! And thank for the reviews, even if some of the requests are rather, err, blunt, lol.

Enjoy! And as always, any feedback is welcome!

START OF CHAPTER

Tali Zorah vas Neema, the young lady Quarian engineering prodigy. Two years ago, she had been one of the famous Reaper slayers under the command of John Shepard, part of the team that managed to bring down the galactic menace known as Sovereign. And now, she was back with Shepard once again, the latest recruit picked up for his elite strike team against the Reaper-backed Collectors.

Outwardly, she was glad to be back with Shepard, ready to jump into the fray against the Reapers. Inwardly? She was fucking _**ecstatic**_ to be back in the company of the dashing young man, having almost swooned in delight when he told her that he wanted her. Actually, he didn't say he wanted her; he said he wanted her back on his ship and on his team. But whatever, same difference. Thank god for this helmet and mask, she had thought many times to herself; otherwise he would have been able to see that she was always madly blushing whenever she talked to him, which would just be plain embarrassing.

She wasn't sure at what exact point in time did she fall in love with him. Maybe it happened four days ago, when he had saved her life for the third time now and counting, rescuing her from the geth on that horrid planet with the dying and dangerously radioactive sun. More likely it had been during the Saren and Sovereign missions, when she watched as he took command of the room with his inspirational presence and led them into battle, fearlessly risking his life time and time again for the safety of the galaxy. Or maybe it was because he always treated her kindly. He treated her as an equal, when pretty much everyone else treated Quarians like dirt. Quarians were well aware of their reputations throughout the galaxy as homeless panhandling gypsies who searched other people's refuse for scrap technology to recycle. But Shepard didn't care about such things. He tried to treat everyone on his teams with respect, and she found that to be very admirable. Or maybe it was just because she found him to be rather handsome, due to humans sharing many facial similarities with quarians. He was not handsome in the typical quarian way, but still, from certain angles, he was definitely attractive.

It was probably a bit of everything listed above, and she didn't care to think too much about it. All she knew was that she was in love with John Shepard, she was back on his star ship, and she wasn't going to waste this opportunity. She had to get him to fall in love with her. Or maybe, he was already in love with her, but he was too shy to say anything? Or maybe he was thinking of her safety, due to the numerous health risks and complications that would arise from sex with a suitless quarian.

She knew that he was at least remotely interested, since she had felt his eyes discretely studying her rear end on occasion. He probably thought she wouldn't notice his naughty eyes with her back turned to him, but he underestimated the resourcefulness of a Quarian engineer! She had video footage from hidden cameras on her suit, and the video archives clearly showed at least a dozen instances of him checking out her butt while they were in elevators together, or walking down hallways together in a group, etc etc. She liked to replay the footage once in a while in the privacy of her own quarters, watching and sighing as she pined away to feel his body against hers, his breath on her neck, his hands intertwined with hers.

Either way, today was a good day to be Tali Zorah vas Neema, even if she was on a ship which belonged to that bastard pro-human organization called Cerberus. Cerberus had been notoriously anti-Quarian in the past, but Shepard had convinced her to look past that for now, that this mission was too important for the good of the galaxy, and that he needed her on his team. And if Shepard said he needed her? How could she refuse!

At least the ship's crew members had been polite to her so far. It was her first full day on the Normandy SR2's engineering deck, and she was quickly getting up to speed on all the upgrades and additions which this Normandy possessed over the previous Normandy which she had served on. She already had an idea on how to upgrade their shielding, and she was currently running a simulation which would help validate her hypothesis.

But now, she looked up from her computer terminal, narrowing her eyes in concern. Her ears were picking up a strange noise. It was quite loud, louder than the throbbing hum of the engine core down the hallway and the soft hiss of the ventilation system in the ceiling.

Clang. Clang. Clang. Clang.

She turned to her fellow engineers, Donnelly and Daniels, who were across the aisle and working on their maintenance routines. "Do you guys hear that? I can hear a clanging noise that doesn't sound quite right."

"Oh?" Ken Donnelly turned to face her, and he said to her boobs, "No, Tali, I do not believe I hear anythin' strange – ow, Gabby, why are you pinching me! It's not St. Patrick's day, is it?"

Tali crossed her arms over her boobies, trying to hide them from Donnelly as Gabby Daniels said, "Tali is talking about Grunt, you idiot! That's what she is hearing."

"Oh." Ken rubbed his arm. "Oh yeah, Grunt."

"Grunt?" The Quarian cocked her helmet to the side. "What is a grunt?"

Gabby stepped to the front now. "Grunt is the krogan who lives in the cargo hold on our deck. I guess you haven't met him yet?"

"No, I just got here yesterday, I haven't had time to meet the entire team yet. Shepard told me that he had a young krogan on his team, but I..." Tali trailed off as she listened to the clanging. "What is he doing? Is he hitting something?"

"Oh, he's just banging his head against a wall. He does that every morning, you'll get used to it."

"Um, why is he banging his head against a wall?"

"He says that it's common for young krogan to bang their heads against the wall. It accelerates their head crest maturation, or some other jazz like that."

Tali had always been of the opinion that krogan were not very smart, but this one took the cake. "Is there even any scientific basis for his actions!"

Gabby shrugged. "I doubt it, but it doesn't seem to hurt him, so why stop him? Don't worry, he'll be done in about five minutes."

"Five minutes! How many times does he hit his head on the wall!"

"Five hundred times a day, according to him."

"Hmm." Tali frowned underneath her mask. "The noise is very distracting."

"You'll get used to it."

"Hmm."

The quarian grumbled, but turned back to her terminal without further complaint. She opened up the schematics for the Normandy's new main weapon, the Thanix cannon, and immersed herself in the diagrams, the clanging fading away as her mind focused on the task at hand.

And five minutes later, the clanging indeed stopped. Peace and quiet now reigned supreme. Tali looked up, hmmphed in approval, and looked back down at her terminal.

BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG.

The quarian nearly jumped out of her suit. These sounds were much louder, reverberating throughout the entire deck. "What in the world is he doing now! That is Grunt, right?"

Gabby looked at the star date on her terminal. "Oh dear, it's Tuesday."

"What does he do on Tuesdays?"

"On Tuesdays, he likes to exercise out in the shuttle bay. Right now, I think he's doing weight training."

"What sort of weight training does he do? It sounds like he is punching a hole through the ship's hull!"

"He has this giant shipping container full of tungsten ammo, and he pushes it around the shuttle bay, flipping it over and over. The container weighs around three tons, and it makes quite a racket whenever he flips it."

"Surely he can figure out a weight lifting routine that isn't so noisy! I'm trying to think here! Have you asked him if he could stop doing that nonsense?"

"Actually, no, we haven't." Gabby and Ken looked at each other. "We've thought about asking him to stop, but, you know, we're not sure how he would react."

"Is he violent with the crew?"

Gabby shook her head. "Oh no, no, he isn't! But, you know. He's a krogan. Why take the chance?"

Ken added, "He's not violent, but he can be mean, definitely. One time, I ran into him in the men's room while showering, and he laughed at the size of my family jewels."

Tali and Gabby stared at him. He squirmed. And he then said, "I regret telling you ladies that just now."

The quarian engineer put her three-toed foot down. "Well, whatever. This noise level is unacceptable. If something mechanical does go wrong with the engine, we won't be able to hear it with all this racket! I'll go tell him to do something else."

The human engineers were genuinely impressed by her show of courage. "You will?"

"Yes. Besides, this might be a good time to introduce myself to him. I'll be back."

Tali promptly walked out of the engine room, and the humans looked at each other. Before they could say anything, though, Tali walked back into the room and picked up her combat drone, which was sitting in the corner.

The quarian laughed a little as she gestured to her drone. "You know. Just in case Grunt loses his temper."

"Good idea," the humans replied.

Tali disappeared back out the exit, and Ken turned to Gabby. "She's a brave one all right, that's a Reaper slayer for ye!"

* * *

"Rrrraahhh!"

The gigantic rectangular shipping container toppled over length-wise, landing onto the thankfully sturdy floor of the shuttle bay with a deafening ear-splitting crash. Next to the container stood the juvenile krogan, Grunt, who was no longer naked anymore. Now wearing his armor due to Shaman Chambers' request, Grunt took a moment to catch his breath and wipe his sweaty neck hide.

"Phew." He patted the solid side of the container, as he thought back to what the tank had taught him on the philosophy of training. Warlord Okeer's philosophy was that battles were not won on the battlefield. Battles were won beforehand, during your training. If you lift heavy things more often than your enemy does, you will be the stronger. If you punch things more often than your enemy does, your punch will be the faster. If you shoot things more often than your enemy does, your bullets will be more accurate.

The tank had told Grunt that the newer generation of krogan did not necessarily understand this, and Okeer lamented their ignorance. The tank told Grunt that the newer krogan were foolish and weak, striving for glory on the battlefield without achieving true strength. As the krogan became more and more dependent on weaponry and armor suits, the further away they regressed from their peak physical condition.

Not this krogan, Grunt told himself. He was the perfect krogan, grown from the DNA of the greatest warlords in Krogan history. To not achieve his fullest physical potential would be to insult the legendary names from whom he inherited his genes!

He checked the clock. Almost 1 PM. His workout routine dictated that he flip this container around for half an hour more, then take a lunch break. Then he would come back and carry a smaller container around for two more hours. Then he would take a quick shower, call it a day, and retire to his cargo hold. Maybe see if Shaman Chambers has sent those sexual intercourse instructional videos to his account. Then watch one so he could figure out how this sexual intercourse thing worked.

"Um, hello? Grunt?"

"Huh?" The krogan heard an unfamiliar female voice coming from somewhere behind him, and he turned around, wondering who this new squishy was. "Who is that?"

A quarian female stood quite the distance away from him, waving with one of her hands. Grunt had never met a quarian before, but the tank was telling him that this female alien here, this was a quarian. The tank had taught him a lot about Quarians, actually. A nomadic alien species highly dependent on technology. They were cowards who avoided physical combat when possible, preferring instead to let their technology do the fighting. Overthrown by their own artifical intelligence creations, the Geth. Physically frail, almost as squishy as humans and asari. Their skin was tougher than the typical squishy, however, and more resistant to physical trauma. Not as tough as a turian's hide, however. Very weak immune systems. The easiest way to kill a quarian on the battlefield was to simply poke a hole in his suit and keep him from getting back to his ship's clean environment.

Grunt wasn't thinking about that right now, though. He stared at the female quarian's waving three-fingered hand. Then he looked down at his own three-fingered hand and flexed it. Huh.

"Hello, Grunt? My name is Tali. Tali Zorah vas Neema. I am the newest member of Shepard's team." She finished waving. "Um, nice to meet you."

"Hey."

He was staring at her legs now. They were much smaller and slimmer than his legs, but he couldn't help but notice that they were shaped very much like his legs. Humans liked to call their legs "chicken legs", which was supposed to be an insulting reference to some type of farm animal indigenous to planet Earth. Stupid squishies and their absurdly straight beanpole legs. What did they know, anyway.

Back to Tali's legs. Grunt couldn't stop staring at them, as he flexed his hands open and shut. Open and shut.

"Um, Grunt? I know this may be rude, but I was wondering about your, um, exercise regimen..." Tali noticed that he was staring really hard at her knees, and she looked down at herself. "What is it? Is there something wrong with my legs?"

Grunt didn't answer, because his head was feeling so cloudy. What was going on? Why was he so fascinated with this quarian's legs? They were so thin and flimsy like a typical squishy's legs, and yet, their shape was still... their shape was pleasing to his eye.

Tali did not know why Grunt was still staring at her knees with his eyes glazed over. This krogan was weird, Tali thought to herself. Or maybe really stupid. Or maybe both. He seemed much dumber than Wrex, at least. She had interacted quite often with Urdnot Wrex on the first Normandy ship, and Wrex, rest in peace, had proven to be a dependable comrade who was relatively approachable.

This krogan seemed harmless enough, at least. For now. Tali coughed, hoping to get his attention. "Well, Grunt, as I was saying, I was wondering about your exercise regimen. Do you think it is possible for you to, um, make less noise?"

He snapped out of it, and he shook himself awake. "Wait, what? Am I being noisy?"

"Yes. When you flip this shipping container over, it does make a very loud sound. We can hear it from the engine room, even when all the doors are closed, and it is very distracting."

"Oh." He did not know why, but he had this sudden urge to start picking up heavy things in front of her, so she could see just how strong he was. "No one told me it was loud."

"Well, do you think you can do some other type of exercise, maybe? Something that is not as loud?"

This quarian wanted him to change his exercise regimen? How dare she! Oh, but of course. Quarians would not understand the value of achieving physical perfection. She could not possibly understand the essential nature of repeatedly picking up heavy things and putting them back down!

Grunt opened his mouth to tell her to take her combat drone and shove it up her ass. But then he stopped, as all he could think about was how pretty her legs were. Granted, they were pitifully skinny, but their shape and structure did show promise. If she added more protein and calories to her diet, and devoted more time to strength training, perhaps her legs could become very beautiful indeed?

A quarian could have beautiful legs? He was becoming utterly confused now, almost disoriented. He had never given a damn about a squishy's legs before, but now? What the hell was going on? And her hands. Her hands were also quite pretty, now that he thought about it. They were really small and weak, like her legs. But still, he did like the shape of her fingers. Especially the middle ones. He wondered if they had claws like krogan hands did...

"I, uh, I." Grunt held his forehead. He needed to get out of here, clear his head. "I need to eat."

"Um, okay?" Tali was almost confused as he was. "Do you want to talk later, then?"

"Sure."

"Ok, enjoy your lunch, and we can talk later." She wasn't sure what was going on, but at least he wouldn't be making loud noises for the time being. "See you, Grunt."

"Bye, uh... what was your name?"

"Tali." She didn't bother saying her full name, this time. She wasn't sure if this krogan could remember it all.

"Nice to meet you, Tali."

He stumbled off, still holding his head. She watched him go, hands on her hips. What an odd krogan, she thought to herself. Maybe he had been drinking ryncol beforehand?

* * *

Grunt was now standing in the mess hall with two trays of food in his hands, looking for a place to sit. The mess hall was a simple sterile room with spartan functional furnishings, ivory white being the most prevalent color. The atmosphere was a quiet hubbub, and the speakers were playing some crappy music sung by some male squishy.

The dining area was rather small, and Grunt was having a hard time finding a private spot all for himself. Every table had at least one squishy sitting at it, if not two. And he just didn't feel like talking to a squishy right now.

"Grunt!" Kelly Chambers was waving from a nearby table. "Are you looking for a place to sit?"

"Shaman." Grunt nodded in greeting. "Yeah, I am looking for a seat."

"Come, sit with me. We can talk more, if you want."

"Uh. Are we going to talk about all those confusing things again?"

"No, we don't have to. We can just chat, if you want. About anything."

Well, maybe it was okay to sit with the squishy shaman. She might help him understand his confusion with the quarian. He lumbered over to her table and sat down across from her, his chair groaning in distress at the krogan's tremendous body weight.

Kelly gave him a warm smile. "I'm glad you're wearing your clothes now, Grunt. Thank you for wearing them." She felt a little stupid saying such a thing, but it had to be said.

"No problem." Grunt ignored the silverware on his tray as he downed an entire bowl of clam chowder with one gulp. "Mmm, delicious!" He put down the bowl with a satisfied sigh. "I hear other crew members think little of Gardner's cooking, but I disagree. I think his food is laudable."

She nodded. "Yes, I think Rupert does a fine job with what's available to him." She noticed the sweat on his neck hide. "Did you just come back from your strength training?"

"Yeah. I cut it short though, because my head started to hurt." Grunt stuffed a whole roast chicken into his mouth, and started to chew with his mouth open. "This quarian started talking to me, and I was getting really confused, and I am not sure why."

Kelly tried to ignore the chicken's bones snapping and popping inside his talking chewing mouth. "Oh, so you've met Tali, I see!"

"Yeah, that was her name." Grunt slowed his chewing to collect his thoughts. "I think... I think she has really pretty legs."

"Oh really!" The redheaded girl liked where this was going, as she turned into gossip mode. "You think Tali is pretty?"

"Well, I guess. For a squishy. Her legs and hands are puny, but they have this really nice shape to them. I think if she ate more and lifted heavy things on a regular basis, she could have legs and hands which any krogan would be proud of."

"Hmm. My thoughts exactly," Kelly fibbed. Oh, poor Grunt, she thought to herself. His demeanor was revealing hints of loneliness to her expert eye. Which was not surprising, really, him being the only krogan on this ship. She supposed that it did make sense he would find Tali's krogan-like body parts to be attractive.

Unfortunately for Grunt, Kelly knew that Tali was all sorts of hot for Commander John Shepard. She had not met with Tali yet for a formal psyche evaluation. However, from just shaking hands with Tali and talking informally with both her and Shepard in the briefing room, woman's intuition told her that the quarian had a major crush on him. Which was understandable. Shepard was quite the hero and the hottie, Kelly had to admit.

The krogan seemed to be thinking hard now. An unusual sight to Kelly, as he slowly chewed on the remnants of the chicken. "Shaman, we are still in the Omega nebula, correct?"

"Yes, we are."

"Maybe I can ask Tali if she wants to go to Omega with me and pick fights with people."

Kelly choked in the middle of drinking her milk, and she pounded her chest, gasping: "No, no, Grunt! I really do not think that is a good idea!"

"Why not?"

"Some women do not find gratuitous violence to be attractive at all, and I am quite sure Tali is one of them."

"Oh." Grunt seemed at a loss now. "But how else can I show her that I am worthy to lay with her?"

"Oh my!" Kelly blushed as she patted him repeatedly on the hand. "Grunt, Grunt, listen. I really think you should take it slow with Tali. I am sure that she already has, um, some other man courting her."

"Another man is courting her? Well, that does makes sense. She is quite attractive." Grunt slammed his fists together. "Shaman, I have decided. I will challenge that man to a duel, and show her that I am the one who is worthy."

"No, Grunt, no! Please, just... there must be some other way for a krogan to court a female. Right?"

"Well, I guess I could pick up heavy things for her and put them down somewhere else. Or bring her a dozen livers from freshly-killed wild varren." Grunt's baby blue eyes blazed in excitement now. "I got it! I will show her the skull of the thresher maw I killed on Tuchanka! I have no doubt she will find me worthy if she sees it!"

Kelly was sincerely sad for him. The poor krogan had no shot at Tali. "Grunt, for now, I think you should just try picking up heavy things for her."

"But, shaman. I have the skull of a thresher maw."

"I know you do, but quarian courtship is a bit different from krogan courtship, I think."

"Oh." Grunt sat back in his creaking chair. "That might be true. Quarians are very squishy, after all."

A snappy Salarian voice pierced the air between Kelly and Grunt. "Greetings, comrades!" Dr. Mordin Solus, food tray in hands, pulled to a halt by their table. "Do you mind if I sit with you two?"

Grunt muttered, "Yes."

Kelly smiled. "Of course not!"

"Excellent!" Mordin sat down. "Don't mind me, carry on with your conversation!"

Mordin hummed under his breath as he sawed into his pork chop with a knife. Grunt grumbled under his breath, dumping a bowl of salad into his mouth as he stared at the Salarian. Kelly's face was plastered with a nervous smile, but she was determined to make this work. If this team was going to operate at maximum efficiency, such tensions between crew members needed to be addressed.

Suddenly she had an idea! "Mordin, I have a question for you, if you don't mind."

"No, no, don't mind." Mordin's hyperactive hands had already cut his pork chops into many little cubes. "Ask away, yeoman."

"Are you familiar with the krogan, um, mating process?"

"Ah yes, very familiar with krogan reproductive rituals and anatomy."

Grunt: "Of course, you are. You did work on the second genophage, you bug eyed twerp."

"Ah yes, sorry, Urdnot Grunt. Like I have said before, a thousand apologies on my part. Sincerely did not foresee current plight of krogan. Tried very hard to come up with viable alternative to original genophage."

"Shut up. You salarians will get what's coming to you."

"Grunt, please." Kelly placed a placating hand on his knee. "Mordin has shown great remorse for the actions of his predecessors, and he has tried so hard to undo the damage done by them."

"Whatever, shaman. Don't be surprised if all the human females on this ship become barren next month."

Mordin exclaimed, "Don't be ridiculous! Unlike krogan centuries ago, humans are not threatening to overrun the galaxy!"

Grunt harrumphed. "Oh really? Humans have been here for only forty freaking years, and they've already taken over the Citadel council, built a dozen dreadnoughts, and colonized over half of the newly discovered inhabitable planets in fringe space. You really sure that humans are not a threat to take over the galaxy?"

"Hmmm." Mordin's face became thoughtful, and he stroked his chin as he turned to study Kelly...

Kelly did not like where this was going, and she hastily interjected, "Ahem, um, back to our topic! So, Mordin, you are familiar with the krogan mating process, yes?"

The Salarian nodded. "Sure am. Why ask about krogan mating process? Interested in mating with Grunt? Highly recommended you assume top position due to massive differential between body weight -"

"No!" Kelly's screech turned a few heads in the mess hall, and she winced as she toned her voice down. "Mordin, that's not why I'm asking!"

"Hah!" Grunt guffawed at the preposterous notion of him laying down with the ugly squishy.

"Sorry, misunderstanding on my part, sincerest apologies. Why ask then?"

She whispered, "No one has ever explained sexual intercourse to Grunt before! And I was hoping you could do it!"

"Ah. Certainly! I would be delighted to instruct our young krogan as he progresses into adulthood and sexual maturity!"

"Oh hell no!" Grunt picked up his slice of chocolate cake and chucked it at Mordin, but the salarian skillfully ducked. "A salarian teaching a krogan about mating? The hypocrisy! I refuse to be a part of this travesty!"

Kelly scrambled to pick up the cake from the floor. "Please, Grunt! I think this could be a very successful team building exercise if you just give it a chance!"

Mordin nodded. "It is the least I can do to repent for my actions. Please allow me to guide you, Urdnot Grunt."

"You squishies are unbelievable." Grunt grabbed the last of his elcor fruit pudding, stuffed it into his mouth, and stood up to go. He angrily mumbled through the pudding: "I'm out of here."

"Grunt!" Kelly became stern, as she stood up with him and placed her hands on her hips. "As your shaman on this ship, I order you to receive instruction from Mordin about the krogan mating process!"

"What! Are you really going to pull rank on me now?" Grunt bent down to glare at her eye to eye, his blue eyes to her green eyes, growling under his breath.

She refused to back down, staring right back at him. Krogan were very big on displays of dominance, and if she backed down now, she would forever lose Grunt's respect for her position and authority. Besides, if her understanding of krogan society was correct, krogan were very respectful of their shamans and rarely disobeyed their orders, even if there was disagreement.

But still, staring eye to eye with a 1,300 pound krogan was making her bladder control very iffy right about now...

After five silent seconds of her fighting against her bladder, Grunt finally muttered under his breath and turned away. "Fine. Whatever."

Still glowering, he lumbered away, done with his lunch and heading for the restroom. Several crew men scattered out of the way, terrified by the grouchy-looking krogan.

Mordin called after him, "Please drop by the briefing room in one hour, Urdnot Grunt! Please notify me if the time is inconvenient!"

Grunt didn't bother to answer, as an uber relieved Kelly crumpled into her chair, all the strength sapped from her legs. Mordin looked at her curiously, for some reason.

"Why so tense, Yeoman Chambers?"

"What?" She was flabbergasted by his question. "What do you mean?"

"If I am not mistaken, just now you were afraid that Grunt would physically harm you. Am I correct?"

"Of course! Did you see the way he was looking at me!"

"That was merely for show. Male krogan do not attack the females of their clan."

Kelly looked up from her chair in surprise. "Really?"

"Due to the genophage, the safety of their females is a very high priority for krogans. Attacking their own females would be counterproductive to their goals."

"But I'm not a krogan female."

"True, but we are his battle kin. When we stand by him, we stand by his clan, so to speak. Hence, we are considered honorary or temporary clan."

"I... I didn't know that. So he won't attack anyone on this ship, then."

"Not necessarily true. He may challenge a male crew member to determine dominance at any given time. Krogan are also notorious for conspiring to eliminate competitors within the same clan via clandestine methods." The salarian closed his eyes. "Hmmm, must take precautions when Grunt visits in one hour. I estimate one in eleven chance for physical violence."

END OF CHAPTER

* * *

Author's Note: When I put myself into Grunt's shoes and considered who he might find attractive on the Normandy, I immediately thought of Tali. A quarian's hands and legs really do remind me of a krogan's hands and legs, at least shape-wise, so it made sense to me that Grunt would be more attracted to Tali than a human female. I mean, if I had a choice between dating a woman with human hands and human legs, and dating a woman with hoof hands and octopus legs, I would have to go with the first lady, I think. Also, I have Tali crushing on Shepard in this story, because honestly, she was crushing hard on him in ME2. So it only made sense.

I really liked Mordin in ME2, hence, I wanted to find a way to work his character into this chapter. Plus, I think ME2 didn't properly address the possible tensions between Grunt and Mordin/Garrus. I'm not sure if I want to spend too much time on those possible tensions, but I think I might try to tackle them later on. As a reviewer already noted about the first chapter, I made a reference to Garrus' infamous weapon calibrations in Grunt's dream, lol. I did that because Grunt is so young, he probably hasn't met many turians other than Garrus. Therefore, if he dreamed about a turian, he would most likely dream about a turian who acted and talked like Garrus.

I didn't plan to use Kelly this much, but she's so useful as someone whom Grunt can bounce ideas off of. Also, I think she would be someone whom Grunt can confide in, and maybe even consider a friend. Shepard is probably Grunt's only "friend" on the ship, but he's a busy guy with a team and a ship to run, so I couldn't see Shepard really spending large amounts of his time on Grunt while ignoring everything else. However, Grunt is probably more high maintenance and unpredictable than the other crew members, so someone has to manage him somehow, and I guess Kelly is filling that role in my story.


	3. Attack of the Thresher Maw

Disclaimer: Mass Effect is property of Bioware.

Note: This story assumes you have played Mass Effect 2. Contains spoilers for Mass Effect 2.

Warning: This story will contain violent and sexual situations.

Enjoy! And as always, any feedback is welcome!

START OF CHAPTER

Zaeed Massani, widely regarded as the most feared and infamous of the bounty hunters slash mercenaries. His face leathery and aged, horrifically scarred, asymmetrical. A moral compass of questionable orientation. His battle armor was a hodgepodge of self-customized parts collected over the years. Each part varied from the other in terms of physical wear and mismatching color, yet somehow they came together to form an optimal suit capable of maximum violence.

Jacob Taylor, ex-Alliance officer with many decorations to his name, now a member of Cerberus. His face hardened and young, beautiful, steadfast. A moral compass of unshakeable idealism. His battle armor was a dark seamless suit bearing the colors of a Cerberus officer, each part engineered to be an integral part of an optimal solution for maximum violence.

Two men with so little in common, serving together on the Normandy SR2 under John Shepard. And currently, they were standing next to each other in the men's restroom, relieving themselves at the urinals.

They had previously acknowledged each other with a little nod at the start, but now, they stared straight ahead at the featureless metallic wall before them, silent as they contemplated something unspoken. It was almost 2 PM Galactic standard time, and Zaeed had the nagging feeling that they were here for the same reason: vacating their bladders in advance before heading to a team meeting of utter boredom and tedious protocol (at least that's how Zaeed felt about the majority of the meetings on this ship). And if he was not mistaken, he and Taylor were contemplating the same unspoken thing, too.

Zaeed finally spoke up first with his twang of an English accent. "Hey Lieutenant Taylor, I got to ask you, you going to the briefing room real soon to meet up with Mordin?"

Jacob nodded, not surprised by Zaeed's question. Apparently Taylor had been thinking the same thing. "Yeah. Mordin ask you to come, too?"

"He did. Didn't give much of an explanation, though, something about a team building exercise or some other nonsense like that. You know any more than I do?"

"Not really, he said something similar to me. Although it seems like Chambers was the one who initially suggested this meeting, not Mordin."

"Chambers? That fresh-faced college student trying to save our souls again with more of that mumbo jumbo she read out of a psyche text book?"

Taylor had to smile at the half-truth of Zaeed's little rant. "Maybe she's a little naïve, but her heart's in the right place. She's doing what she can to help ensure the success of this operation."

"Maybe, but I was under the impression that Cerberus was a hardline and hard-nosed lot of sorts, and as soon as I get on this ship, I got this redhead in my face insisting we all hold hands and sing kumbaya."

"Yeah, she's definitely not one for the front lines, that's for sure. At least she's not one of them rear echelon mother fuckers, though. She cares, and she opens up to everyone."

"Hah. Gotta admit, I wouldn't mind if she opened up her legs for me one night. Got this urge to just pound the innocence out of her." Zaeed made a suave hand gesture as his voice became a parody of regal. "In a gentlemanly way, of course. A dinner and wine beforehand, followed by maybe a critically-acclaimed motion picture."

Jacob had to laugh, his forehead wrinkled in mirth. "She is cute, not gonna lie. And she's got a butt you can bounce a credit chit off of." He shook his head. "Man. Looks like we could use some shore leave, huh?"

"A little downtime would be a breath of fresh air from this sausage fest of a frigate. My right hand can only do so much for me."

Jacob was about to agree with Zaeed, when they heard the restroom doors open behind them, followed by heavy footsteps which could only be that of a krogan. The two men immediately tried to zip up as fast as they could, knowing what was coming, but it was too late.

Grunt peered over their shoulders, looking down at their junk. And he guffawed. "Hah! I win!"

Jacob simply stared straight ahead in exasperation as he finished zipping up. Zaeed's nose twitched as he fought the urge to yank out his knife and cut off that damn krogan's tongue. They knew that Grunt wasn't trying to blatantly insult them; it was just one of those krogan things. But still, it didn't make it any less humiliating.

Grunt slammed his hands onto their shoulders in a show of comradery, and their knees buckled from the tremendous force. "Taylor. Massani." He then walked off to one of the restroom's stalls, opened the door, and stepped in.

Jacob and Zaeed shared a look. Jacob's face said "_Hey, what can you do?_" Zaeed's face had "_I really fucking hate krogans_" written all over it. At least Grunt was wearing his armor now instead of his birthday suit. Kudos to whoever got him to do that.

They heard scratching and squeaking noises now from the restroom stall, and they turned to see Grunt's stall leaning from side to side, its fastened joints creaking and groaning. The krogan's feet could be seen underneath the closed door, awkwardly shuffling around in a circle as if he was doing the hokey pokey.

Jacob called out, "Having a problem in there, Grunt?"

"It seems I have overestimated the width of this stall. Without armor, it was a snug fit, but now... rrrrrr, damn it!" Grunt's maneuvering within the stall now had an air of impatience, and the stall's rectangular prism shape became disturbingly warped as the krogan started doing the hokey pokey in double time.

Jacob didn't like the manner in which the restroom stall was practically bursting at the seams, and he called out, "Grunt, maybe you should take your armor off before -"

One of the stall's walls exploded outwards, finally free from its joints and welding. The hollowed slab of metal-coated plastic hurtled two or three feet through the air before it landed onto the floor with a crash, eventually sliding to a halt under a shower head. The wall's presence, despite its flat low profile, triggered the automated shower sensor, and a misty stream started to cascade downwards. The restroom was filled with the echoing pings of ricocheting broken nuts and bolts, and Jacob and Zaeed immediately hit the ground and covered their heads.

The ricochets died down, as one of the wayward nuts finally rolled to a stop on the floor before Zaeed's grimacing face. The shower was still going, doing a fine job of thoroughly cleansing the stall partition. A surprised Grunt was hovering over his toilet, literally caught with his pants down, his leg armor halfway at his knees. Apparently the act of squatting had been the final straw which broke the camel's back.

Grunt commented, "Whoops. Didn't see that coming."

Jacob tiredly rubbed his forehead as Grunt, armor still around his knees, lumbered over to the shower, picked up the stall wall, and lumbered back to the stall. With a scrutinizing eye and pursed lips, the krogan held the wall up to the stall, like how a painter would study a model before making his first mark on a blank canvas.

"Hmm. Maybe if I put it here..."

"Grunt, don't worry about it." Jacob pulled his hand away from his forehead. "I'll ask Gardner to fix it."

"Will I have to pay for this?"

"No, you won't. Just put the wall down for now, okay?"

"Ok." Grunt rested the stall wall against the restroom wall. Then he pulled his leg armor down all the way and sat down on the toilet. "Hey, if you guys see Mordin, let him know that I might be a little late for his meeting. The elcor fruit pudding I had for lunch, it's not exactly agreeing with me."

The krogan ripped a tremendous fart. Upon detecting the sudden influx of numerous odorous airborne particles, the restroom's automated scent control system went into overdrive, pumping lemony air freshener into the small room. Zaeed stalked out of the bathroom, not bothering to wash his hands and muttering something under his breath. Jacob hurriedly ran his hands under the water faucet. "We're also going to the meeting, Grunt, see you there."

"Oh, you will? Cool." Grunt's response was for naught, however, since Jacob had already hightailed it out of there. Jacob's exit allowed Grunt's next fart to escape through the open doors with him, its sound reverberating throughout the mess hall with the power of a low quality sub woofer.

From within the safety of her office, Miranda Lawson looked up from her desk. What was that sound just now? Was someone playing... a tuba?

* * *

A lemony-smelling Grunt walked into the briefing room to find, not only Mordin, but a surprisingly large number of people. Mordin was at the head of the table where Shepard normally stood, assuming the pose and air of a professor about to start his lecture. Garrus, the ever-calibrating turian, was sitting relaxedly to Mordin's right. Jacob sat to the left, at ease, but his posture a little more upright than Garrus's. Zaeed was at the opposite end of the table by himself, wondering what the hell he was doing here. Each of them were nursing a glass of ice water which Mordin had already prepared in advance for them.

"What the." Grunt scratched his butt. "Mordin, are you going to teach everyone here about krogan mating rituals? Or are you just afraid to be alone in a room with me?"

The peppy salarian ignored Grunt's verbal jab as the krogan sat down next to Jacob. "Ah, greetings, Grunt! Glad you could make it! Taylor advised me that you were suffering from gastrointestinal issues, but it appears that they were negligible. Word of advice, eight percent of Krogan population lack an enzyme to properly digest the Elcor passion fruit. I would suggest avoiding any products containing such -"

"Wait, wait, wait." Zaeed could not believe what he was hearing. "You called this meeting with the krogan because you want to teach the krogan how to fuck? Are my ears deceiving me, or is my translator fucking broken!"

"Neither your ears nor your translator are malfunctioning, Massani. Grunt is now entering the krogan equivalent of puberty and sexual awareness, and in krogan culture, this is a very important time for a young krogan. On Tuchanka, his clan would communicate with a friendly female clan to set up the Rite of Honor for Grunt, and when a suitable female is found -"

Zaeed exclaimed, "Then he should do this rite of whatever with his krogan buddies and krogan ladies! We ain't krogan, why are we doing this?"

"Time is of the essence for our current mission! We cannot spend valuable days on a return trip to Tuchanka, no no no. However, Grunt's sexual maturation is causing him much confusion and mental duress, and, as a distraction, could potentially affect his performance on the battlefield and endanger us all! Therefore, we, as his battle kin and honorary clan members, must help him -"

Garrus was the one to interrupt Mordin now. "Hold on, let me get this straight. You want to teach Grunt where to put his ding-a-ling in a woman, and then we are going to find a female krogan for him to pop his cherry?"

Grunt scowled at Garrus as he tossed down his glass of ice water with one shot, then slammed the cup onto the table. "I don't have a cherry, turian. I would have eaten it by now."

Zaeed: "This krogan is a fucking idiot!"

Grunt: "Do you want to fucking go right now, human!"

"Any fucking time, you big baby!" Zaeed tried to stand up, but he was shocked to find that he was unable to move his limbs. They were deader than a doornail, unresponsive to any of his commands. "What the fuck, my... my arms won't move! Why – oh fuck me, Mordin! Did you seriously fucking drug this ice water!"

"I anticipated that you would act with hostility towards Grunt, therefore, I made sure to include a mild sedative in your beverage which targets various localized nerves around your limbs' joints." 

"What the fuck! You fucking one-horned prick, I oughtta tear off your other horn and stuff it up your ass!"

Grunt laughed in derision as he pointed a finger at Zaeed. "Ahahahaha, stupid human – what." The krogan blinked as his arm suddenly flopped down to his side, also limp, and his big krogan mouth yawned open in a fearsome roar: "What the fuck! Did you seriously fucking drug me too, Mordin!"

"Ah yes, I also anticipated that you might react violently to Massani's verbal goading, therefore I also included a rather powerful sedative in your beverage. Again, no fear, it only targets various localized nerves around your limbs' joints, nothing more."

While Grunt and Zaeed tried to figure out if they should be mad at Mordin or at each other, Jacob and Garrus were now hastily pushing away their own glasses of water, as the turian asked, "Err, Mordin? Shouldn't Jacob and I also be keeling over any moment now?"

"Of course not. You and Taylor are not prone to gratuitous acts of violence, therefore I saw no need to medicate your beverages."

Jacob was hardly soothed by the salarian's generosity. "You could have still drugged us, Mordin! You had these glasses of water on the table before we even arrived, you didn't know where we were going to sit!"

"On the contrary, Lieutenant Taylor, after observing each crew member's behavior over the past three weeks, I was able to speculate with reasonable confidence as to who would sit at which chair, and I laid out the glasses of water accordingly."

"What!"

"Garrus always arrives to meetings ten minutes early, therefore he would most likely arrive first. Garrus always sits to the right of Shepard during briefings, therefore I concluded that Garrus would be sitting at his normal seat. Massani is the most solitary among you, therefore he would most likely sit by himself in the chair farthest away from the head of the table. This leaves you and Grunt, and Grunt is by far the least punctual of us all, therefore I was sure that you would be sitting at your usual chair to the left of where Shepard normally stands, across from Garrus. As a result, the last glass in between you and Massani would most likely belong to Grunt."

Grunt roared "I! AM! KROGAN!" The young krogan, practically breathing fire out of his nose and steam coming out of his earholes, tried to charge towards Mordin. However, due to his paralyzed limbs, all he managed to do was fall off his chair and land onto his face.

Zaeed laughed at Grunt. "Stupid krogan, so fucking typical." He turned to Mordin. "Fine, so you're fucking smart, you pot bellied frog faced eunuch. And now we're your fucking captive audience. What do you fucking want from us?"

"The Rite of Honor consists of the young krogan receiving instruction from his senior clan members about mating rituals. Then the young krogan is appraised by a female clan, and a suitable female is chosen to lie with him for one night."

Garrus leaned back in his chair. "Well, this would explain why you didn't invite any of the ladies to this meeting. You know, Mordin, I'm pretty sure this isn't what Chambers had in mind for a team building exercise."

"Always take precautions when dealing with dangerous individuals. Safety comes first, no exceptions. Anyway, since we are Grunt's senior battle kin on this ship, it is our duty to instruct him on the intricacies of mating."

Jacob was helping Grunt back up to his chair, which was no small task considering how freaking heavy the krogan was. "Mordin, I appreciate your attempt at this team building exercise, but I think some of us have more important things to do. I don't know about you, Garrus, but I think I'm going to head back to the armory."

Zaeed said, "Taylor, can you drag me along with you? I don't need to be here, I don't know crap about krogan shagging anyway, I can't teach shit to this dumbass of a krogan."

Grunt growled, "I am not a dumbass."

"Trust me, kid, I've met a lot of krogan in my lifetime, and you're the dumbest one by far."

Mordin was sadly shaking his head, clearly crestfallen at his squadmates' reluctance to participate in Grunt's Rite of Honor. "Ah, such a shame, so discouraged by lack of enthusiasm. It would seem Grunt and I will be the only ones to watch Asari Confessions #27, then."

"Wait, what? Did you just say Asari Confessions?" At Mordin's mention of the galaxy's most famous pornographic holo-movie franchise, Jacob had no choice but to look up from his digipad, where he was checking on the latest munitions count for their assault rifles.

Zaeed had also calmed down, as his ears pricked up in cautious interest. "You're fucking with us, Mordin. There is no Asari Confessions #27. The most recent one is #26."

"Correction. #26 is the most recently released episode. #27 has already been filmed and is currently undergoing editing for release next month. I contacted an old friend within the company for a favor, and he forwarded the raw footage in its entirety to me, on the condition that I refrain from releasing the footage onto the extranet."

Garrus: "Wait, Mordin, you're going to teach Grunt about sex by showing him a porn movie?"

Grunt: "What's a porn movie?"

Zaeed: "For fucks sake, Grunt, you really were born yesterday." He turned his head back to the salarian. "All right, Mordin, if you really have this episode #27 footage like you claim, start her up and let us take a peek, will you?"

Mordin's eyes were gleaming like a stalking predator, closing in on a sure kill. "Ah, but I was under the impression that you and Lieutenant Taylor did not wish to participate in Grunt's Rite of Honor?"

"Whoa, Mordin, let's not get hasty here." Jacob, the straggling baby lamb before the wolf named Mordin, had put down his digipad. "I just took a look at my schedule, and, uh, I think I can spare a half hour or so right now. Besides, I can't leave my buddy Grunt hanging, you know?"

Zaeed, the old sickly moose stumbling before the grizzly bear named Mordin, nodded vigorously. "Right! And if Taylor isn't leaving, I sure as heck won't be able to leave either! So I guess we got no choice but to sit here and explain the movie to Grunt!"

Mordin turned to Garrus. "And you?"

The turian coughed and cleared his throat. "I, uh, my calibrations can wait for the time being, I think."

The salarian smiled in satisfaction, glad that everyone was finally on board with his plan. "Excellent! Grunt, see how your battle kin have rallied about you?"

"I still do not understand why the turian thinks I have a cherry."

Mordin clapped his hands together. "Don't worry about that for now, Grunt!" He started dialing on his omni tool with his rapid firing fingers. "Gentlemen, I present to you in its raw unedited entirety! Asari Confessions #27: Attack of the Thresher Maw! EDI, please lower the room lighting to 300 lumens."

The AI chimed back, "As you wish, Dr. Solus."

The briefing room's lights dimmed, and the 3D holo viewer activated with a loud beep. A looming life-sized hologram of a young attractive Asari appeared before the men's eyes, the video quality pretty much flawless to even Garrus's scouter. She was sitting cross legged on a little stool and dressed in the porn world's version of an Asari commando uniform. Her legs were clad in skimpy red short shorts and long black fuck-me boots that went all the way up to mid thigh. A tiny red bikini top was struggling mightily to contain her genetically enhanced chest, with military insignia decals strategically placed over the nipples. Her arms bore red elbow length gloves with golden tassels, to enhance the contrast between her clothed arms and her not-so-clothed torso.

So basically, the porn actress's costume was only slightly sluttier looking than Miranda's normal outfit.

Jacob recognized the asari's face instantly. "Holy crap, it really is her! Mordin, you're the man!"

"Thank you, Lieutenant Taylor."

"Shut up, you two!" Zaeed was snarling. "She's about to say something!"

A male volus voice could now be heard off screen, the volus apparently somewhere behind the cameraman. His voice was somehow even more sleazy and sketchy than the voice of a normal volus, if such a thing was possible, and he was conducting an interview with the asari before him.

"Hello there, gorgeous. You mind if I ask you a few questions?"

The asari giggled in a cutesy flirty voice, and she waved to the camera. "Hi! And sure, no problem, ask away!"

"Just wondering, for all the viewers out there, could you tell them your name, how old you are, and how long have you been serving in the military?"

She placed a fingertip on her chin to ponder. "Well, um, my name is Sinya, I am one hundred and seventy four years old, and I have been in the military for only a year so far."

"Only a year? I suppose that means you have no actual battlefield experience yet, do you?"

"Oh no! Asari commandos are not deemed fit for field duty until..."

Her soft voice was drowned out by Grunt's voice of protest. "I don't get it, what is the point of this movie! This movie is so stupid and unbelievable!"

Zaeed: "Grunt, shut up! I can't hear her!"

Grunt would not shut up. "Why should we listen to her anyway! Her acting is so bad, and she has clearly not undergone any sort of military training at all! Her body is egregiously soft, even for a squishy!"

Mordin pacified Grunt with soothing words. "Ssshh, Grunt! The fight scene is about to happen!"

"Oh really?" The krogan quieted down in anticipation. "Cool. I hope the fight is a good one..."

The asari's voice returned to the forefront. "... right now, I would say our biggest enemy is probably the krogan."

The male volus: "Oh, really? What is it about the krogan that make them such a _big_ threat?"

A giggle from her. "Well, lately, the krogan have been very aggressive in our sector – oh no!" The asari clapped her hands onto her cheeks, and her face twisted in mock horror as the door behind her flew open. She shouted at the camera, "It's a krogan warlord!"

"Rawrr!" A naked burnt-sienna krogan jumped through the open door, waving a plastic toy rifle in his hands. "I am the mighty warlord King Kock, and I am here to defeat you, asari commando!"

She turned around to defiantly thrust her boobs towards the krogan, and the camera took the opportunity to zoom in on her cute little butt. "You villainous fiend! You will fall before the power of the asari!"

She thrust forward with an open hand and used actual biotic powers to throw a large breakaway chair at the krogan. The krogan boomed an evil boisterous laugh as he swatted aside the chair into a dozen pieces, and the asari held her face in dismay as she turned back to the camera.

"Oh no, he is too strong for me! What can I do!" She then shrieked as the krogan grabbed her by the wrist and threw her onto the bed that was conveniently sitting next to them.

"Admit defeat, commando! Or I will torture you mercilessly until you surrender to the might of the krogan!"

She sat up, her jaw and boobs thrust out in defiance. "Do your worst, you krogan savage! I will never surrender to the likes of you!"

"We will see about that, commando!"

The krogan yanked out his ding-a-ling, which elicited a guffaw and a "Hah! I win!" from Grunt. The krogan porn star, oblivious to the heckling from one of his viewers, then set upon her with a roar, as swanky flux music started to play in the background...

It was now painfully obvious to Grunt that the pitiful fight scene was over. And Grunt yelled, outraged by Mordin's deception. "That was the worst fight scene I have ever seen! He never used his rifle! An asari commando would never give up that easily! Did she really think a wooden chair would stop him? Where is her firearm? This movie sucks!"

Garrus was drooling out of the corners of his mouth, a common indication of an aroused turian. "Come on, Grunt! She isn't turning you on in the slightest bit?"

"Stupid turian! Asari are not attractive! They are squishy squid heads with squid hands, and they -" Grunt stopped as his earholes detected high fidelity moans and groans of undeniable authenticity, thanks to the briefing room's impressive surround sound system. "What are these strange sounds they are making?"

He turned his attention back to the holo movie, and his baby blue eyes grew to the size of grapefruits at the sight of blue asari limbs wrapped around a red krogan torso. Something about the manner in which their bodies were locked...

Uneasy as to why he was feeling the krogan equivalent of goosebumps, he asked, "Are they wrestling?"

Mordin set Grunt straight: "No, Urdnot Grunt, this is the introductory phase of the universal mating ritual. It is commonly known as foreplay on most worlds."

"Oh, I see. Foreplay." The juvenile krogan lapsed into silence as he watched on. Zaeed was not paying any attention to Grunt whatsoever, his eyes glued to the holo movie before him. Jacob and Garrus were also similarly engrossed, twisting and turning in their chairs to get a better view of the action. Mordin was the only one who was watching with nonchalance, thanks to the salarians' racial trait of utter lack of sex drive.

After another minute, Grunt had to comment, "That is strange."

Mordin: "What is strange?"

"I was under the impression that, in order to mate with a female, I need to put my penis somewhere between her legs, and yet... this krogan is putting his penis in her mouth. Am I missing something here?"

"Technically, Grunt, you are correct. They are currently not engaged in the actual act of mating. This act falls under the category of foreplay, and is commonly performed by the female to pleasure the male."

"Oh. I see." A few minutes later. "And now, he is putting his tongue between her legs? I thought he was supposed to put his penis there."

"These two are still engaged in the foreplay phase."

"Are you sure? I thought foreplay was supposed to pleasure the male, and yet, here, it seems like it is the female who is being pleasured."

"Foreplay is not only for the male's pleasure, Urdnot Grunt."

Zaeed interjected, "Yeah, damn shame, isn't it?" He turned to Grunt. "Foreplay is overrated anyway. If your dick can't do the job by itself, you ain't a real man. Keep that in mind when you're fooling around with a lady."

"I see. Foreplay is an optional phase, then."

Jacob raised an eyebrow. "Don't listen to him, Grunt. Women dig it when you go down on them."

"You like to clean the carpet with your pussy tickler, eh, Taylor? Why am I not surprised?"

Grunt was thoroughly confused now. "So, is foreplay optional, or not optional? And why would Taylor clean the floor? I thought Gardner cleaned the floors."

Garrus chimed in with clarification: "Foreplay is optional if you don't give a damn about the woman. Foreplay is required if you are aiming for a long term relationship with the woman."

Zaeed shrugged. "What he said. More or less."

"I see." Grunt was smart enough to drop his question about Jacob's sanitation responsibilities for now, and looked back up at the holo movie. "I take back what I said earlier about her acting. Her acting has gotten much better."

Jacob laughed now. "Oh, I don't think she's acting."

Zaeed was watching with a disturbing intensity. "Yeah, the bitch is really getting into it now, ain't she?"

Garrus exclaimed, "And this is why she is the biggest name and this is the biggest series in the industry! Just look at her ride that thing, hot damn!"

Grunt's eyes were bouncing up and down along with the asari commando. "This may sound strange, but I have this urge to pull out my penis and rub it with my hands. Is this to be expected?"

The other men were laughing now, much to Grunt's irritation. And Jacob slapped a jovial hand onto the krogan's shoulder. "Totally to be expected, Grunt. Do it on your own time though, when no one else is around."

A few minutes later into the movie, Grunt suddenly exclaimed, "There are two holes between her legs!"

Mordin: "Yes, Grunt, there are two holes."

"But, if the male is supposed to put his penis inside a hole between the female's legs... are both holes used for mating? Is that why he is currently alternating between holes with his penis?"

"The elongated slit between her legs is the hole used for mating. The small circular hole is used solely for the purpose of pleasure."

Jacob added, "And if you're going to stick it into the small circular hole, Grunt, you better ask her for permission first."

Garrus: "Only ask if you're looking for a long term relationship with her. Otherwise, go right on ahead."

Zaeed: "Haha, right on, Garrus."

Mordin: "Please, Garrus, no joking! Such misinformation could severely reduce Grunt's chances at mating with a female!"

Zaeed: "Wait, Garrus was joking?"

After ten more minutes or so, the movie finally came to an explosive and messy end, bodily fluids flying this way and that, as the asari commando finally agreed to "surrender" to the krogan warlord. Then the movie went to black, and the credits began to roll.

Mordin tapped away at his omni tool, and the holo viewer turned off. "EDI, please return the room lighting to normal."

"As you wish, Dr. Solus."

"So, Grunt, I hope you now have a much better understanding of how the mating process works! How are you feeling right now?"

Mordin's voice was faint and far back within the recesses of Urdnot Grunt's foggy mind. The krogan sat in a motionless stupor, as if the asari commando had cast a stasis field over him and then jammed several gallons of ryncol down his throat. His eyes were glazed over, much like the time when he had first met Tali. His thick skull was throbbing like a bitch, his brain working overtime to process all of the sensory stimuli which it had just experienced. He had already recovered the use of his limbs thanks to his krogan physiology's top notch filtration system, and his hands were flexing underneath the meeting table, wanting to just yank out his ding-a-ling and rub out a quick one, despite Taylor's recommendation that he do that sort of thing on his own time.

The salarian tilted his head, wondering if he had used the wrong medication and accidentally drugged the krogan's mind too. "Grunt, hello? How are you feeling right now?"

"I... I have this urge to mate with a female right now."

"Excellent!" Mordin clapped his hands. "I anticipated this, Urdnot Grunt, and I already requested for one day and one night of shore leave from Commander Shepard for all of us!"

Garrus, Jacob, and Zaeed exchanged looks. "Wait, we're on shore leave right now?"

"That is correct, my comrades!" Mordin spun on his heels and thrust an intrepid forefinger to the sky. "Tonight, we descend to Omega! And from the depths of this sin city, we will hopefully find a female free of sexually transmitted diseases for our young krogan's Rite of Honor!"

"All fucking right!" Zaeed was smiling his first genuine smile in the last month. "Mordin, I take back everything I said about you. You're fucking all right in my book!"

Garrus was already out of his chair and walking out the room. "I'm gonna go shower and dress up in something nice. See you guys on the shuttle in thirty minutes."

Grunt was somewhat confused, yet again. "There are female krogan on Omega?"

"Don't worry about it, my boy! We gonna make sure you get laid tonight!" Zaeed stood up from his chair, then promptly catapulted onto his face due to his legs still not working properly. "Oh, fuck me. Taylor, can you help me out here?"

END OF CHAPTER

Author's Note: An unabashedly silly chapter, yes, but who gives a fuck, really. Grunt is a kid, and he needs to be educated in the proper manner! Today's porn movies have bad acting, bad dialogue, and bad music, and I'm pretty sure the porn movies of the future will have similar characteristics, no matter how advanced the multimedia becomes. Asari Confessions #26 is supposedly a real porn movie in Mass Effect's universe, according to the Shadow Broker DLC, which is where I got my idea for #27. Krogans are actually supposed to be really difficult to paralyze due to their redundant nervous systems, but if someone knows how to do it, it would be Mordin. If you are a female reader and you have no idea why a bunch of guys would watch porn together, don't worry about it. It's a guy thing.

Well, next chapter, it looks like Grunt and his battle kin are off to Omega to pick up on the ladies! Let's see what Omega has in store for our young krogan hero!


	4. Dancing Machine

Disclaimer: Mass Effect is property of Bioware.

Note: This story assumes you have played Mass Effect 2. Contains spoilers for Mass Effect 2.

Warning: This story will contain violent and sexual situations.

Enjoy! And as always, any feedback is welcome!

START OF CHAPTER

Grunt and his battle kin stepped out of the airlock and onto Omega "soil", all spruced up and ready to get their game on. Except for Mordin, the sexless Salarian, who was basically there as a chaperone, and to make sure that Grunt didn't drag away a screaming lady by her hair (or fringe), like how a human caveman would during the Neanderthal Age of planet Earth. Ironically, after all their talk about dressing up nice for the ladies, they ended up wearing their usual armor and battle suits. Considering the lengthy list of unsavory characters who wished physical harm upon them, Omega was simply too dangerous of a place for them to be walking around in civilian clothing. Zaeed had lost count decades ago of how many people wanted him dead. The Blue Suns had a bone to pick with Mordin, who had gunned down several of them outside of his clinic during the plague. Garrus was far more low profile than Zaeed or Mordin, but there was always the possibility that some relatively intelligent merc had finally figured out that he was Archangel. And Jacob was a human in a town simmering with anti-human prejudice.

As for Grunt, well, he didn't have any bloodthirsty enemies of note, mostly because the one-month old krogan simply hadn't lived long enough to piss off a lot of people yet. However, he still had his battle armor on, due to the fact he had no other clothes. For Krogans, their idea of casual wear was to carry around a hand cannon instead of a shotgun.

At least all of the men had squeezed a quick shower in before leaving the Normandy. And as usual, the non-krogans were forced to endure the obligatory guffaw and "Hah! I win!" from Grunt while they scrubbed down their family jewels. It was times like these that made them fervently wish that they had their own private cabins and bathrooms, like Commander John Shepard did.

They also took great care in making sure they were impeccably groomed for tonight. Boots and armor plating were quickly wiped down and polished to a gleaming sheen. Zaeed paid attention to the interior of his innie belly button for the first time in god knows how long. Jacob spent ten minutes trimming his already perfect mustache. Garrus had patted down turian cologne all over his fringe and waist. And Grunt made sure to rinse out his mouth again with that delicious body wash he had found earlier this morning.

As the five men walked through the corridors with the unintentionally synchronized steps characteristic of seasoned soldiers, Grunt was grumbling loudly to anyone who would bother to listen: "I don't understand why we couldn't bring Tali along."

"Grunt, for the last fucking time!" Zaeed was eying a couple batarians who were giving them passive yet dirty looks from a corner. "What part of 'guys night out' do you not understand? No chicks allowed! Besides, why would you want to get it on with a quarian, it would be a total pain in the ass. You gotta get her out of her suit, then she would probably start coughing and sneezing all over you, then there's all that different amino acid crap you have to worry about with their bodily fluids."

"But... she has pretty legs."

Zaeed threw his hands up in frustration while Garrus took over. "Listen, Grunt." Garrus was using his scouter to check out a pair of giggling female humans fifty meters ahead, waiting in line to get into Afterlife, the happening place to be on Omega. "Don't take this wrong way, but I'm pretty sure Tali wouldn't want to be a part of your Rite of Honor. I don't think you are her type."

"Shut your mouth, stupid turian. You think you're more attractive than I am?"

"No, Grunt, that's not what I'm saying. Look, I've already been with a quarian lady before, and I can tell you this, they look for qualities in a man different from what female krogan look for."

"Whatever. I have the skull of a thresher maw, and you don't. There's no way Tali would find you more attractive than me."

"Riiiight." Garrus and Zaeed exchanged shrugs behind Grunt's massive back. "All I'm saying, Grunt, is to be thoughtful when you approach her. You can't just walk up to her and ask if she wants to lie down with you."

"Of course I would not do that, stupid turian! We krogans have our own courtship rituals, we are not mindless animals who fuck in the bushes like Earth rabbits!"

Jacob tried to change the subject. "Garrus, you said you've been with a quarian? What was it like?"

"Oh, it was all right, I suppose. It was a one night thing, met at a bar on Palaven. She had just finished her Pilgrimmage, wanted to celebrate before she left. Got totally into each other. Spent the night at my place."

"Nice. She take off her suit?"

"Nah, she kept the suit on, which was the only major downside. Girl certainly didn't lack for effort or enthusiasm, though, she practically rode me into the ground. Her waist was top notch, too. Verrry sexy."

"Ehh." Zaeed wasn't particularly titillated. "Sounds like you had sex with someone inside a full body condom, if you ask me. Not a fan of rubbers myself."

"Practice of safe sex highly encouraged for tonight, gentlemen." That was Mordin, of course. "Encountered sexually transmitted disease in fifty one percent of clinic patients during my stay here. Please use the safe sex paraphernalia which I distributed to you earlier to prevent potential outbreak on Normandy."

Zaeed's tone of response was unconvincing at best. "Sure thing, doc."

Grunt was mystified as to what Mordin was talking about. "Pair of fur nailia? How come I didn't get any furry, uh, nails?"

"Not furry nails, Grunt. Safe sex paraphernalia, aka condoms. Apologies, had no condoms your size in stock. For you, I will manually scan potential female partners for diseases."

Jacob laughed out loud. "Oh boy, this should be interesting."

"You're stressing too much, Mordin." Garrus was still checking out the two human females in the Afterlife line. They had really hot waists. "Just give him a latex glove that he can pull over the tip, and call it a day."

"Already pondered possibility. Brief testing revealed that Cerberus-issued latex gloves will most likely break down under the degree of friction normally associated with krogan intercourse, even after extensive lubrication."

"Jesus, krogans fuck their women that hard?" Zaeed had this itch somewhere below his thinning combed hair, but he didn't want to scratch and risk messing it up. "I don't know whether to be happy or afraid for whoever Grunt's woman is tonight."

"I still don't understand why we couldn't bring Tali. I think she would like my thresher maw skull."

Everyone but Mordin and Grunt sighed as they settled in line to enter Afterlife, but their moods brightened up when the elcor bouncer gestured for them to come over and cut in line.

"With Sincere Respect: Greetings, Dr. Solus and comrades of John Shepard. Aria welcomes you to Afterlife. You have permission to bypass waiting line."

"All right!" Garrus pumped his fist, as he turned around to the two human females whom he had been checking out earlier. "Hello, ladies, but I couldn't help but notice that you've been patiently waiting here for a while. Would you like me to sweet talk this Elcor fellow into letting you in, too?"

The human women, who had been eying the tall turian with approval all this time, giggled and nodded. Garrus turned to the elcor. "What do you say? Help a buddy out here?"

"Impressed by Your Game: The young human females are allowed to accompany you."

Garrus shot a finger at the elcor. "Thanks, I owe you one." The turian then pranced over to the women and wasted no time slipping his arms around their waists. "Shall we?"

The girls couldn't stop giggling, as one of them asked, "I have to ask you, how did you get those scars on your face? They look so freaking crazy!"

"Oh, that's a long story, one best told over ice cold alcoholic beverages. All on me, of course!"

The other girl asked, "Do you have any scars on your body too?"

"Oh ho, wouldn't you like to find out?"

They all laughed, as Garrus and the women quickly walked through the entrance. The turian at least remembered to nod back to his squad mates. "See you in the morning, gents."

Zaeed called out after the disappearing trio: "Hey, I have scars too! God damn it!"

Jacob was grinning and shaking his head. "Give it up, Zaeed. Something about that guy, man, human women just love him."

Grunt was snorting in disgust. "They are attracted to the stupid turian? Squishy human females have appallingly low standards."

Mordin hustled them along like a mother hen would do with her unruly chicks. "Onwards, gentlemen! Afterlife awaits! Also, unlikely as it may be, please keep an eye out for female krogan!"

* * *

Afterlife, Omega's biggest club and favorite hangout of Omega's de facto ruler, Aria T'loak. Unusually well-lit for a club, to prevent potential conspirators from hiding in any shadows. Unusually free of foul odors, thanks to the no-smoking policy in the main room (Aria hated the stench of second hand smoke). Typically deafening loud music, with intense sonorous melodies underscored by powerful bass beats. With the melodies ringing within Grunt's earholes and the air about him vibrating with bass, the krogan paused to take in his first breath of Afterlife's damp sweat-infused air and his first sight of their pastel strobe lights.

Grunt had been in crowded areas before on other worlds, but nothing like this. Ilium had dance floors, but again, nothing like this. This dance floor was huge and absolutely packed with writhing bodies, a single mass of flesh that pulsated along with the music like an obscene shapeless organism. Krogan music was generally solemn and percussion based, aimed at stirring one's spirit for war. But this music here was pure unbridled decadence, aiming to unlock urges and desires far more debase than mere violence. The pulsating waves beat away at his flimsy walls of civility and inhibition, boiling his blood like no other. The effect was doubly enhanced by the tantalizing sight of sweaty flesh pressed against flesh, hips grinding against hips, bestial smiles of bared glowing teeth. The most dominant color by far within the crowd was asari maiden blue, and despite his professed aversion to squishies, Grunt could not tear his eyes away from them, as more than a few of their eyes locked with his.

He did not even realize he was unconsciously pumping his arms to the music, for all he could think about was that asari porn actress he had watched a couple hours earlier. He didn't give a shit about her weak scrawny body, her icky squid hands, or those funny bumps on her chest. All he could think about was that expression on her face during the movie's pinnacle. Her head thrown back with face warped in ecstatic agony, her mouth frozen open in mid scream. At that moment, with the male krogan helplessly buried inside and underneath her, she had somehow conveyed her throes of passion across all species barriers, a lasting image which all non-salarian males hungered for. It was an intoxicating image, to be sure, one that haunted his youthful krogan mind like a sensual phantom. And he wanted to see that face again, in person. In front of him, underneath him, on top of him, whatever.

Before, he thought all asari looked the same. But now, as his sharp baby blue eyes greedily searched the crowd for a face most like the actress's, he couldn't believe that he was actually able to pick out differences, some subtle, some not so subtle. One maiden in particular had more than a passing resemblance to the porn star, and more importantly, she had daringly locked eyes with him, unusually fearless of a drooling horny 1,300 pound krogan.

Still unaware that he was shaking his booty around with surprising rhythm to the music, he instinctively sauntered over toward her general area. She grinned at his approach and, not missing a beat herself, peeled her gyrating body away from the crowd and settled in a little space on the floor, waiting for him.

Heavy krogan feet clomping, he pulled to a stop in front of her, ready to ask her if she knew anything about thresher maws. Luckily for him, she shouted first, her slightly shrill voice barely audible over the cacophony:

"I don't recognize you! First time in Afterlife?"

"Yeah! First time on Omega! This place is freaking cool!"

"Oh yeah it is!" She leaned forward to make sure he could hear. "You're a really good dancer for a krogan! I've never seen a krogan dance as well as you!"

He thickly answered like a retard, "What? I'm dancing?" He looked down at his waving arms. Then he finally realized that he had been dancing to the music all this time, and he stopped for a moment. "Whoa! I'm dancing! That's so weird, I didn't even know!"

She thought he was joking, and she laughed as she brushed a teasing finger along the bottom of his chin, causing his loins to spring to attention. "Don't stop! I like it when you dance!"

Grunt was finally starting to understand why most alien species found asari so attractive, as his body automatically responded to her request. The way she moved, the way her eyes gazed into his, how she smiled. Even though they were all decidedly alien to him, their feminine nature was unmistakable. Overpowering whatever superficial differences, appealing directly to his base male instinct.

"Yeah baby, that's more like it!" She was positively glowing at his obedience, and she sidled up to him, much closer now, as her body wriggled a hair's width away from his. "My name's Jayla! Nice to meet you!"

"My name is Grunt! You have a pretty face!"

"Why, thank you!" She giggled at his silly name and even sillier compliment, but she liked them nonetheless. She could tell that his words were earnest, that he meant them. "Your name is so funny, Grunt! How did you get your name?"

"I named myself!"

She gave him a strange look, laughing in confusion because she could tell he was still being earnest. "You named yourself? How did you do that?"

"I am tank bred! Grown inside a lab by Warlord Okeer! When I got out of the tank, I had no name! So I named myself!"

"Tank bred! So, like, you are genetically engineered or something!"

"Yeah!"

Her face twisted in more confusion. "Wow..." Then it blossomed into understanding and approval. "Wow! That's so freaking cool, Grunt! No wonder your eyes are blue!"

His turn to be confused. "Huh! What about my eyes?"

"Your eyes! I've never seen blue eyes on a krogan before! You really are different from other krogan!"

"Of course I'm different! I was engineered to be pure krogan! I am perfect!"

He emphasized his words by beating on his chest, and she laughed at his pompous tone as she pressed up against him, her hands coveting his hips. "Perfect, huh? So, you're the best krogan there is?"

"Oh yeah, I'm the best!" He hooked his thumbs towards himself. All about him, baby. "I'm the biggest! Strongest! Fastest! Smartest!" He paused. "Actually, I'm not sure if I'm the smartest! One of my battle kin said I was the dumbest krogan he's ever met!"

Not realizing that his self-deprecation was totally unintentional, she burst into laughter. "Ha ha ha, whatever! Who gives a shit about that kind of stuff anyway, when you're the best dancer, right?"

"Yeah, fuck that guy! Stupid human male!"

She was still laughing, but now also licking her lips as her hips swung in time with his hips, albeit her hip swinging being much more pronounced. She glanced down to search for something on his barrel of a waist. Searching, searching... her eyes spied what she was looking for, and her fingers settled upon the gas-sealed clasps of his abdominal armor. She then looked up with a mischievous smile as her fingers drummed along the clasps.

"So, Grunt! You say you're the biggest, huh!"

He shouted matter-of-factly: "Bigger than any of my squishy battle kin! Bigger than the porn star I watched earlier today!"

She had been with enough men to know when a guy was trying to impress her with embellishments or outright lies. And she wasn't getting any of that from this unusual krogan; he really believed that he was the biggest one of them all. And the prospect of being with the biggest krogan in the Terminus systems turned her on immensely, her smile and laugh becoming devious as she pulled herself up to him.

She stood on her tippy toes so that her mouth hovered by his left ear hole. Breathing heavily, unsteadily, reeking of alcohol and mint. Her fingers were poised over the clasps. Her tongue's moist tip traced all around the rim of his ear hole, then pulled back to whisper:

"I want to see."

Grunt decided that lying down with a squishy was acceptable, at least for tonight. His big krogan mouth spread open in a bigger krogan grin. "Go ahead, I ain't stopping ya."

Her smiling and wriggling became blatantly sexual now, her eyes locked with his as she pulled away from his ear and slid down his belly. He was numb with no clue what to do, a common reaction among young males getting their pants unbuckled for the first time by a woman. Mordin thrust his glowing omni tool between her face and Grunt's belly.

"Good evening, Grunt! Good evening, maiden! Kindly refrain from moving while I screen you for sexually transmitted diseases."

Her hands still latched onto Grunt's pants, the asari blinked in shock as she looked to the salarian who was squatting along with her. "Excuse me! What the fuck do you want!"

Mordin raised a hand in salutation. "Greetings, I am Dr. Mordin Solus, and I am Grunt's battle kin and personal physician!" His omni tool was still holding in place before her face, sampling the airborne particles from her flaring pissed off nostrils. "Thank you for your patience. This will be just a few more moments."

"What the fuck are you doing, you freak!" She stood up abruptly, and Mordin stood up with her in order to keep his omni tool by her nose. She turned to her krogan suitor. "Grunt, do you know this guy!"

Grunt's baby blue eyes were ablaze with the fury of a thousand bloodraging krogans, and his balled up fists were ready to knock Mordin's head into orbit. "STUPID SALARIAN! GO AWAY!"

"Ah, done! Thank you for staying still, please wait for analysis!" Mordin was surprisingly calm with a 1,300 pound irate krogan towering over him. "Please, Urdnot Grunt, this is merely a precaution to preserve your physical health. Three more seconds, and I will be able to recommend whether you should proceed to engage in sexual activity with this maiden."

"MORDIN. GO AWAY OR I WILL BREAK YOUR FACE."

"Bzzt!"

That buzzing sound was from Mordin's customized and overclocked omni tool, as a glowing red line of text appeared on the view screen in the middle of benign light blue text. The salarian sighed in dismay and closed his eyes, briefly shaking his head. "Forgive me, Urdnot Grunt, but I strongly recommend that you do not further pursue this asari maiden."

He turned to the speechless girl before Grunt could take a swing at him, and he handed a business card to her. "Please visit the clinic at this address and ask for Daniel. Tell him Dr. Solus sent you, and that you have been diagnosed with scale itch. Treatment will require regular dosages over three weeks, but do not fear, it is a free clinic, there will be no fees of any sort."

The asari's blue face turned a bright purple as she screeched, "I don't know what you're talking about, mister! Your omni tool is wrong! I don't have, you know, I don't have that!"

"Unlikely. Numerous studies have shown that breathalyzer scale itch test is no less than 98% accurate. Also due to the highly contagious nature of scale itch, I strongly recommend that you refrain from sexual contact until you visit the clinic."

Grunt was wholly on her side, and not Mordin's. "STUPID SALARIAN, GO AWAY! I WANT TO LIE DOWN WITH HER! I DO NOT CARE IF SHE HAS LAID DOWN WITH A VARREN!"

Quite a few people stopped dancing to look over at Grunt and the asari next to him, wondering if they heard correctly. The maiden's face was beyond purple. Grunt was just now realizing that maybe he shouldn't have shouted that at the top of his four lungs. Mordin was shaking his head at Grunt's rumor spreading ways.

"Please do not speculate, Urdnot Grunt. Unconfirmed if she engaged in sexual activity with varren. As I mentioned, scale itch is highly contagious, very possible she contracted disease from someone else -"

The asari had had it, as she blew them off with a fling of the hand. "You know what, I'm outta here! You guys are just way too freaking weird! AND I DO NOT HAVE SCALE ITCH!"

Those last words were more for the watching crowd's benefit, as she scurried away without another word or glance at Grunt. And the krogan decided right then and there that he was going to kill Mordin.

"STUPID SALARIAAAN!"

Grunt lunged towards Mordin, striving to throttle the life out of the scientist. The salarian jumped back while uncorking a powerful spray of frost from his wrist to freeze the joints of Grunt's armor. Dancers and patrons screamed and scattered. The strobe lights stopped swiveling back and forth. The music abruptly zipped to a halt, and the asari deejay ducked for cover behind her turntables.

While numerous armed guards converged on the growing cloud of frosty dust, from the bar stool where he sat, Zaeed simply shook his head. "Fucking krogans."

END OF CHAPTER

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Grunt is a dancing machine in this chapter because I honestly think he would be a better dancer than other krogans; he is the perfect krogan who would have better body coordination than most other krogans. Even then, I can't really picture Grunt doing awesome moves, since krogan limbs are somewhat stubby. Garrus's two human females waiting in line, I came up with those characters due to the horde of Garrus fangirls out there. I think Garrus would have an easy time picking up on them if he was real and ran into two of them at a club.

One reviewer suggested that I change the title of the story to something less straightforward and nooby. I understand the suggestion, but I am not going to change it because I want the title to reflect Grunt's straightforwardness. Grunt is a krogan, and he doesn't do subtle or ambiguous. And he is kind of nooby at life, because he is so young.

Also, in response to a review, I don't focus too much on Shepard, because there are a trillion Shepard-centric fan fics out there. I want to mess around with different things and possibilities.

Also, is this fic really a guilty pleasure? I'm not covering anything unheard of! Guys watch porn. Guys jerk off to porn. Guys like girls' legs. Guys get morning wood. Guys lift weights once in a while. Guys walk around naked on star ships – ok, they don't usually do that. But Grunt does, because he's krogan, damn it!

Anyway, let's see what happens next chapter. Will Aria blow Mordin and Grunt out of an airlock for their brawling? Or as one reviewer speculated, will Grunt even get laid on Omega? Will any girl be impressed by the skull of a thresher maw? We'll just have to wait and find out!


End file.
